SIGNS OF THE TIMES

January 29, 2012 0

These are 4 things Steve has noticed over the last few months of his 30th year on planet Earth:

1)  I can never remember a time when I wasn’t at least a little bit tired.  Honestly, I usually go to bed at night thinking, “Aaaaah, I’ve been looking forward to going back to sleep ever since I woke up.”

2)  Weekends have gradually become a time to get things done . . . as opposed to a time to do whatever I want to do.  In the battle of household chores and projects vs. video games and napping, the former has now taken a slight edge on the competition.

This Fella Has the Right Idea

3)  The price of a candy stick at Cracker Barrel has ballooned from $.10 to $.20.  If a 100% increase in cost isn’t a sign of inflation, then I don’t know what is.

4)  I now get sore while I’m playing basketball, not after . . . even after a rigorous old-man’s pregame stretching regimen.

This is Me . . . After 2 Plays

Friday Five

January 27, 2012 0

Favorite Marriage Proposal

Favorite Spider

 Favorite Watermelon Launch

 Favorite Amusement Park Customer

 Favorite Gymnast

Quick Thoughts

January 24, 2012 0

Ev’s shallow collection of random thoughts and absurd ideas

  • This song was the number 1 song on the day I was born.  No offense to the white Michael Jackson (RIP), but the black Michael Jackson was way better.  (You can find out your song here.)

  • My daughter is going to college in 7 months.  Inconceivable.  She is not sure yet where she wants to go, so I have decided to let you decide for her.  Pick your choice below.

  • Susan and I are currently hooked on the TV show Parenthood.  There are so many real-life issues and I have actually thought about how they might have handled a decision and let that inform my decision.  If you’re looking for a new show to watch, this is a good one, but you definitely need to start from the beginning on Netflix.
  • Patriots win the Super Bowl and avenge their loss from a few years ago.  Eli Manning goes back to acting as “Jim” on the office.

    now that this football thing is over with...

it's back to acting on The Office!


ATTENTION SURPLUS DISORDER

January 22, 2012 0

 

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I have Attention Deficit Disorder.  I would classify what I have as more of an Attention Surplus Disorder, or ASD for short.  I can almost fully focus on numerous items at the same time with only miniscule negative repercussions.  My ASD knows no bounds.  For example, right now, I’m simultaneously typing this post, watching football, texting a few people, talking to my wife, and listening to Pandora radio.  The last 45 seconds of my life have consisted of:  Hmmmmm, what should I write about?  Ooooh, a missed field goal!  Yes, I can grab some lunch tomorrow around 12:30.  Those cupcakes smell absolutely delicious.  These 90′s rock songs sure know how to express teenage angst.  Exhausted yet?   That’s not even one full minute of thought, so imagine what I feel like over the course of an entire day.  I also Google’d ASD to make sure it wasn’t a real disorder or drug of some sort and spent some quality time on the website for the Alabama State Defense Force.  But, since that’s ASDF, not ASD, it’s really irrelevant to this discussion.  I also went to Merriam Webster online to make sure I spelled simultaneously correctly and spent 10 minutes playing a word scramble game.  As a very important side note, the first time I was ever exposed to the word “simultaneous” was when I was about 8 years old and was playing a delightful game of Battle Toads on an original Nintendo system at a friend’s house.  The instruction manual said we could play simultaneously, which we excitedly realized meant we could play with the red guy and the blue guy at the same time.  See, video games can be a useful learning tool.  OK, this post is getting a little long-winded, better wrap it up.  Can’t at least one ref learn the real rule for touchbacks when the ball just barely crosses the goal line on a punt?  OK, Monday works better for me too.  Are you sure we paid the power bill this month?  Wow, I’ve never heard the un-edited version of that song, but it sure has a lot more random profanity in it . . .

We Have A Lot in Common, Good Sir

FRIDAY FIVE

January 19, 2012 0

 

 

FAVORITE BRAVE GIRL

 

 

FAVORITE CONTRAPTION

 

FAVORITE BABY FACE

 

 

FAVORITE USED CAR PRANK

 

 

FAVORITE CAT TRICK

A Perspective On Lawn Care

January 17, 2012 4

Angrily written by Ev

The neighbor everyone hates

There are some ways in which peer pressure has helped the world be a better place.  Take personal hygiene for example.  If you choose not to wear deodorant or brush your teeth, you will be put to death in most civil societies.

But there have been a few ways in which peer pressure has created some negative behaviors – at least in my world, and there is one way in which negative peer pressure has angered me the most.

Lawn Care.

Sure, I see how this could be a good thing.  We could look at it as being good stewards of the earth and taking care of the blessings we have been given.  Unfortunately, we have gone overboard.  Allow me to present to you the absurdity of lawn care as practiced in suburbia.

  1. Why do we even mow grass?  What is the point?  Grass is natural, and should be allowed to grow freely.  Think about if you were grass, and just as you are starting to get tall enough to see around the yard, here comes that loud machine that chops you in half.
  2. Who was the first guy to decide that the grass outside his house needed to be short?  And how did this catch on as a trend?  Today, just because a few people enjoyed cutting their yards, all of us have to do it – whether we like it or not.  Thanks Mr. Briggs and Mr. Stratton.
  3. What is one of the first things people say when you ask how life is going?  More times than not, the conversation will turn to how busy life is.  So let’s add another couple hours a week to straightening up the yard.  “No time for the family, but have you seen my yard?”
  4. Think about how much we spend on yard care.  Purchase a mower, gas, oil, blades, maintenance, weed eater, trimmer, gloves, yard chemicals, fertilizer, hose, sprinkler, etc.  Or you can pay someone to do it for you.  I’d rather use that money for trivial things like food for my family.
  5. Raking leaves.  Seriously?  Oh yeah, so we can see the beautiful brown grass.

If you enjoy yard care, then I am happy for you.  I hope you get a lot out of it.  I’m not mad at you.  I’m mad at the system.  Why do we all have to do yard care just because some people like it?  Do you see the injustice here?

 

THINGS PEOPLE SAY

January 15, 2012 0

by Steve

3 REAL THINGS I’VE RECENTLY HEARD PEOPLE SAY THAT I WILL NEVER SAY MYSELF

1)  Woman on cell phone:  “Well, we’re just sitting here right outside of the dojo for the next few minutes.”

First of all, I will probably never be inside or outside a dojo for any reason for the remainder of my life.  Secondly, I will probably never use the word “dojo” in any other sentence (aside from this one) unless I’m describing a scene from The Karate Kid to someone.  The real Karate Kid, with Ralph Macchio, not the fake, new version with Will Smith’s son.  Personally, I would’ve liked seeing Ralph play the main character in both the 1984 version as well as the 2010 version.  26 years means nothing; he’s that talented of an actor . . . I’ll also quickly add, “Sweep the legs, Johnny!!!!”

Talent Knows No Age Limit

 

2) Angry, animated lady at high school football game:  “Ooooh, girl, if I even see her, I’m gonna call her out!”

I’m not the most publicly confrontational person, so it’s fair to say that I won’t be looking to instigate any fights at public events anytime soon.  In all fairness, though, without knowing who “her” was, I probably can’t say beyond the shadow of a doubt that she did not deserve the aforementioned “calling out.”  As the potential confrontation excited me a little bit, I followed the animated lady and her raucous group for a while, but then lost interest as she calmed herself down by ordering 2 hot dogs with chili and slaw.  She did, however, lead me to concession stand, where I also ordered a pair of hotdogs for myself.  Thanks, angry lady!

3)  Random guy walking past me on the sidewalk:  “Man, I’ve got a migrating headache.”

I chose not to stop and correct him by explaining the difference between “migraine” and ”migrating.”  I also decided not to console him by letting him know his head would soon feel better after it completed its southward trek for the winter.

 

. . .  also, just to hopefully generate a few thousand (more) hits today, I think I’ll add:  Tebow, Tebowing, Tebowmania, Tebowfest, Tebow Believe, Tebow Football,  Tebow Broncos, Tim Tebow, Tebow 3:16 . .  that should cover it.

Have a great week, everybody!

 

 

Friday Five

January 12, 2012 0

Favorite Scared Kid

The reaction most people have on their first visit to borderlinefunny.com

 Favorite Fail Compilation

(non)Favorite Cop

Like a true professional, he keeps on writing the ticket.

Favorite T-Shirt

 

Favorite Dunk

Introducing the Apple iDish

January 10, 2012 2

Apple has asked me (Ev) to write the press release for their newest product, the iDish.  Before I send it in to Marlucious in the PR department, I want to get your thoughts.

 

Apple brings live TV to your iPhone with the iDish.

CUPERTINO, California— January 10, 2012—Apple® today announced iDish®, the most amazing new piece of technology ever invented, packed with incredible features including Apple’s standardized refraction reverse-pupil-looking-thing; an internal TV-tuner capable of broadcasting up to four local stations; full 240 standard definition; and Siri for the iDish™, an intelligent assistant that helps you change channels just by asking. With the launch of iDish comes the opportunity to watch one of four local stations (including PBS) live on your iPhone*.

“iDish is a breakthrough combination of metal, wires, and stuff that makes watching live TV on your iPhone something that several people will want to do,” said Darnell Worthington, Chief Deputy on the Judge Judy show. “While everyone else is watching Judge Judy on the 52” screen while sitting on their couches, those with the iDish can watch on their tiny iPhone screens.”

Never miss your favorite local station’s broadcasts of The Price is Right or The High-IQ Bowl.  Watch while you’re sitting on the bus** or shopping***.  Improving on the innovative stainless steel DirectTV dish, iDish is the first dish to double as a cereal bowl****.

Features

  • several
  • a bit smaller than a normal satellite dish
  • can be stored in a car trunk for easy transportation
  • weighs in at a little less than 18 lbs
  • comes with 5000 ft extension cord
  • emergency back-up powered by 28 D-sized batteries

Price and Availability

iDish comes in either non-white or white and will be available in the US for a suggested retail price of four monthly payments of $799 (US) and 2 monthly payments of half the difference or higher, whichever one is higher.  iDish will only be available from the Apple Online Store, Apple’s retail stores and Rite Aid.  iDish will be available in the US on Friday, January 13 (allow 2 extra weeks for availability in Alabama).

 

*TV viewing is nearly impossible when the weather is bad or when you are not stationery.  For best results, set up the dish on the corner of your roof.

**Reception quality rarely viewable while riding on a bus.

***It is practically impossible to carry the iDish around while shopping, unless you purchase the iCart™ accessory.

****Requires the use of the iSpoon which is the only device compatible for eating cereal out of the iDish.

ANNOYING BUMPER STICKERS

January 8, 2012 2

by Steve

I believe in the right of freedom of expression, but I also firmly believe in my right to be annoyed by other people’s freedom of expression.  To that end, here are several bumper stickers that really annoy me:

1)  A lady in a truck beside me one day had a bumper sticker that read:  IF YOU THINK I’M HIGH MAINTENANCE, YOU HAVEN’T MET MY HORSE – Wow, not much explanation needed here as to why I wouldn’t necessarily mesh with this individual.  I know that you’re taught early on in life to never judge a book by its cover.  You should always give people a chance, and first impressions are not always true.  Well, in this case, I think it’s fair to reverse that line of thinking (mainly because it’s more fun and it saves time).  I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t get along with that individual, even though I’ve never formally met her.

2)  I have similar thoughts about the woman whose bumper sticker read:  I HEART MY GRANDOGS!

3)  The other items that really grate on my nerves are the stick figure window decals that have a character representing each and every family member.  You know the ones I’m talking about because they are on every third Dodge Caravan you pull up beside on a daily basis.  Sometimes they not only have the entire family of 8, but also include the 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 bird that help complete the idealistic ”sticker family.”  I know many people think these are cute, but I would have to strongly disagree.  The problem is that they not only have the character, but they also list each person’s name below their picture.  Throw in a few obligatory “My Child is an Honor Student at _______ School” stickers and a “T-ville Elite T-ball” decal and you practically know every intimate detail about this family’s life.  In this day and age of being overprotective, is it really a good idea to let every stranger on the road know all of your kids’ names and where they’ll be every afternoon from 3:00-5:00?  I think not.  This fad can’t last much longer . . can it?

Trust Me, You Don't Have to Look Far

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