LETTERS TO THINGS

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DEAR STORE-BRAND CEREALS,

I just wanted to send you all a quick note to let you know you’re not fooling anyone.  We are all very aware that you aren’t nearly as tasty as your $1.50 more expensive brand-name counterparts, so please stop trying to be.  That’s right, I’m talking to you Frosty Fruity O’s, Chocolately Mini-Spooners, and Marshmallow Mateys.  At least you three are trying though, unlike your friend I ran into the other day at Food Lion named Crispy Hexagons.  Crispy Hexagons?  Really?  That’s all you could come up with?  On the plus side, you’re a straight shooter and deserve some credit for not sugar-coating your identity.  I know exactly what I’m getting when I purchase you.  No frills, all business, and I can respect that on a certain level.  When it comes to taste, however, you just don’t consistently deliver, and that’s really the main component I’m looking for in my breakfast cereal.  All that being said, it’s your enticing price that will keep bringing me back time and time again, so I’m sure we’ll cross paths soon.

Respectfully,

A Concerned Breakfast Connoisseur

I Know Who You Really Are

DEAR BAND-AIDS,

You may not remember me, but we met last time I tried to sharpen the lawn mower blade on my own.  First of all, many thanks for the safe and secure support that you offer to minor wounds, cuts, and scrapes worldwide.  My issue is not at all with your effectiveness, but with the unbelievable amount of time and stress it takes to get you open.  After 2-3 minutes of prying open your strait jacket style outer covering, I’m greeted by another layer of devilish plastic that must be carefully peeled back one side at a time and skillfully placed over my painful open wound.  Yes, you could argue that I’m being a little dramatic and it’s not actually that difficult, but when I have to immediately stop 3 of my fingertips from gushing blood, I need something that offers pure ease of use.  Anyway, that’s just my two cents.  Keep up the good work.  I look forward to catching up with you next week when I trim the hedges.

Sincerely,

A Reluctant Yard Laborer

PS – For being such a small item, you also create a lot of trash.

Please, Keep It Simple