Archive - August, 2011

LETTERS TO THINGS: FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS

This post is sponsored by the Association for Fast Food Reformation Association and written by Ev.  Be slightly amused by more posts from Ev, here.

Dear Fast Food Restaurants,

I love you.  Thank you for the convenience that you provide me and millions of other people in these great United States.  I’d also like to compliment you on the taste of some of your food.  Additionally, about .84% of your offerings provide some nutritional value, so thanks for that.

Unfortunately, you have one great weakness: your employees.  They are more rude than a Mel Gibson drunken tirade.  Why does my self-esteem get lowered every time I dine in your establishments?  I understand that you probably don’t get a lot of applicants who graduated from the Harvard School of Business, but here’s a little tip: when you are interviewing potential employees, if they never smile, can barely communicate in complete sentences, or have the personality of a Rottweiler, then please don’t put them on front counter duty.

Because I volunteered in the food tent at the 1985 Sun’n Fun International Fly In, I feel competent to share some pointers with you.  If you would please post these tips in the employee break room, America would be grateful.

How to be a somewhat adequate employee:

  1. Pretend that you are happy at least 2 times every hour.
  2. Google “hygiene” then figure out how you can put what you learn into practice before your next shift.  For example, If you have a huge zit, put a band-aid over it.
  3. “Yeah” and a head nod are less effective than “Can I take your order, sir?”
  4. Eye contact is an important part of non-verbal communication; therefore, attempt to make at least fleeting eye contact with the customer once during the order-taking process.
  5. When you are wiping down the tables, if possible, try to use a clean rag that doesn’t smell like dirty mop bucket water.
  6. Go to Chick-Fil-A and watch how they do it, then come back to our store and do the same thing.
  7. Watch this video, and try to realize that she is making fun of you.

 

Do you have any other tips you would give to fast food restaurants?

LETTERS TO THINGS

This attempt at humor was written by Steve last year at this time, but is even truer today than it was then.  Get more Steve right here.

 

 

Dear Football Season,

It has definitely been an interesting summer, but we can now reaffirm that you are the one we really love. Sure, we’ve spent more than a few evenings with Baseball over the last few months, but it means nothing to us. Hockey occasionally sends us a text but we always ignore it and just act like it never came through. If Hockey is ever bold enough to actually call, we always forward it straight to our voicemail and never check the message. To be honest, we did hang out a little with Basketball during the playoffs, but it was more of fling, and nothing more. You are now less than one week away, but you can’t get here soon enough. Wives and girlfriends may scoff at you, but we don’t care. Please return to us, and quickly.

Yours Truly,

Dudes Everywhere

This Guy Needs a Team to Cheer For, and Fast

 

Dear Sports Drinks,

It seems you may be having some sort of identity crisis which causes me to ask the following question:  Why do you insist on trying to be something that you’re not? When I was growing up, I enjoyed flavors like Orange, Grape, and Cherry. Now, I go to a convenience store and all I see are drinks with names like Fierce Rain, Manic Mango Madness, or Radical Essence of Rainbow. I know peer pressure is increasingly prevalent in the hydration beverage business, but I’m never sure what flavor to expect when I put you to my lips. It’s very disconcerting. Do you even know what you’re supposed to taste like anymore? Please know that I love you just the way you were and want to encourage you to return to the same old clearly named drinks I once enjoyed.

Cheers,

A Confused and Concerned Beverage Drinker

I Long for a Simpler Time

FRIDAY FIVE

 

 

FAVORITE WINDSHIELD WIPER



 

 

 

 

FAVORITE CRIMINAL


 

 

 

 

FAVORITE FISHERMAN

 

 

 

 

FAVORITE POLICE OFFICER


 

 

 

 

FAVORITE INTERNET DISCUSSION


STICK IT TO YOU

written by Ev while sitting at Moe’s drinking at least 4 cups of Cherry Coke.  more by Ev, here.

We here at Borderline Funny would not be able to live the lavish lifestyles we currently enjoy if it weren’t for the very wealthy sponsors who pay exorbitant amounts of money for the privilege to advertise on our site.

Today we highlight one of those sponsors.  Introducing Stick It To You – the best stick figure makers in the universe

SITY can even create stick figure cartoons like this farcical drawing

(Editor’s note: Of course it is impossible to know if they are actually the best in the universe, but as far as I can tell, it is undisputed.)

Led by head stick architect, Harvey “Stick” Urhandsup, Stick It To You (SITY) will artistically and creatively meet most, if not all, of your stick figure needs.  They provide several sizes and actions.  Some possible figures include:

  • waving
  • running
  • sitting
  • sitting with legs crossed
  • standing
  • standing with arms crossed
  • punching another figure
  • being happy
  • being angry
  • crying (with tears dropping from his face!)
  • jumping in the air with one or both arms raised
  • a stick figure that looks like a capital “I”
  • MANY, MANY MORE!

SITY can also do some animals – like dogs and cats, but sometimes it’s hard to tell them apart.  “Elephants are pretty easy,” recommends Twiggy, one of the newer stick figure creators on staff.

Borderline Funny co-founder, Steve Efird, says about SITY, “When we were looking for someone to create the perfect stick figures, we googled ‘stickman makers’ and SITY was the first one on the page.  We didn’t look at any other companies, because when we saw the first stick person that Stick and his crew made, we were sold.”

FAQ

“Can’t anyone draw a stick figure?”  Yes, just like anyone can build a space ship.  But you’re not going to ride on it, are you?

“Will my stick man be delivered to me in a digital format?”  Yes, we will fax it to you.

“Am I free to do anything I want with my stick man?”  Like what did you have in mind?  One of our customers tried to use the image for his driver’s license photo, and while they are very life-like, the authorities were able to spot the counterfeit.

“Can you make my stick figure fat?”  We can, but it just looks like there’s a circle around his torso.  We recommend sticking (pun intended!) to skinny stick figures.

 

For more information, please visit the SITY website at www.stickitoyou-thenbeststickmenandwomenmakersintheuniverse.com or you can meet Stick every Thursday between 9 and 10 am at the Starbucks on Peachtree Street in downtown Atlanta.  (Except on the third Thursday of alternating months because it’s his turn to take his mother to Sears.)

THINGS THAT DON’T NEED INSTRUCTIONS

This attempt at humor brought to you by Steve.  Click here for more by Steve

 

DEODORANT

Remove Cap. Apply to Underarms.

Honestly, if you need to flip over your stick of deodorant for guidance as to how to use it, then you are probably not fit to co-mingle with the rest of society anyway.  Maybe you should just put your Degree Anti-Perspirant back in that creaky medicine cabinet and head back to the couch to watch an all day Man vs. Food marathon on the Travel Channel.

Mr. Kidd Hopes Mr. Gasol Read the Label

SHAMPOO

Open Cap. Place in Hair. Wash Out Completely.

While shampoo is admittedly one arduous extra step harder than deodorant, it is also 100% self-explanatory. Hopefully, you’ve never been in the shower and said this to yourself: “Well, I just put this new-fangled, potpourri smelling lotion in my hair. What am I supposed to do now?!?”

Actually, Maybe a Few Folks Do Need Instructions

 

ONE-SIDED TAPE

Pull Tape from Dispenser. Apply Adhesive Side to Desired Object.

Really? We need the manufacturer to tell use how to properly use this? There are literally only two possible ways to apply: sticky side up or sticky side down; that’s it. You could feasibly mess up the first time, but if you made the same mistake twice then perhaps the grand ol’ world of introductory arts and crafts just isn’t for you.

Yeah, I Think We've Got This Covered

FRIDAY FIVE

Favorite Horse

Favorite Russians

Favorite Tie

Imagine how popular this guys is with the ladies

Favorite Summer Fails

Favorite Body Control

HALF REDNECK

this attempt at humor brought to you by Ev.  click here for more by Ev.

I’ve never considered myself a “redneck,” per se.  But sometimes I run across an old photo, and I’m convinced that there would be no way for me to prove in a court of law that I didn’t grow up with a little bit of country in me. And because we here at borderlinefunny.com value authenticity, I want to make a confession – I am half redneck.

Take this photo as evidence.

Dear 12-year-old Ev, wear a shirt. Thanks, 40-year-old Ev

Let’s observe some “highlights” in this photo, shall we?

Muscles - Just stating the obvious here – I am quite the looker.  In fact, my “guns” are slightly larger than the barrel of the rifle, so I’m pretty happy about that.  Because of my tree-like physique, my Maw Maw nicknamed me “Toothpick.”

Broken down car - Everyone knows that one of the first requirements to receive the official redneck seal of approval (which is a case of empty Budweiser cans for your front porch) is to have a broken down car in the yard.  Contrary to popular belief, lifting the car up on blocks is optional.

Gun-totin’ - First, why in the world are two young boys holding a gun with a 3-year-old in the middle?  Second, does it look like we know what we are doing with that thing?  Absolutely not.  Please don’t tell me it was loaded.

Jorts - In Florida, cut off jean shorts never go out of style – just like the mullet.  At least my jeans are about 4 sizes too small; that way I don’t have to take the time to button them, and I get to show off my massive legs.

Barefootin’ - I never wore shoes when I was a kid.  Have you ever felt how stiff the grass is in central Florida?  The bottom of my feet were so tough, I could run through rocks, briers, and land mines without slowing down.

Drunk Photographer? - Who was taking this picture and what were they trying to capture?  I could just hear my mom saying, “Jerry, make sure you get the diving board in there.  It makes us look like we live in a fancy neighborhood.” (Just for the record, my mom would never really say that.)

If you have a snide comment, please feel free to share it in the comments.  I’d love to hear it.

GUIDE TO THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PAY FOR

this attempt at humor brought to you by Steve Click here for more by Steve

Gas prices are astronomical, the cost of a cell phone plan is through the roof, and it takes a full month’s salary just for me and my wife to go out to a nice dinner . . . of the Taco Bell or Burger King variety (maybe even an up-sized combo if the stock market is in an upswing).  Life, in general, is expensive, but everything doesn’t have to be.  Here’s a list of a few things that I can’t stand shelling out any money for:

Paper Towels/Napkins:  I think my main objection to paying for these items is that it just doesn’t feel right to give up my hard-earned cash for something I’m only going to immediately get dirty and throw away.

Water: It’s water, folks. I don’t need to be charged an additional 25 cents for a small cup of it. It’s already bad enough that I have to specify that I want a cup of water at restaurants so I don’t get charged $3 for a bottled water.  If it falls out of the sky, is used to swim in, and comes out of a garden hose, then I shouldn’t have to pay a plug nickel for it.

That's Right, Nature Makes Water

Air: Air is just air. Just because you’ve somehow condensed mass amounts of it into a pressurized container so it can magically shoot into my deflated tires, doesn’t give you the right to make me pay for it. There’s air all around you and me right now, but you don’t see me filling up Tupperware bins full of it and putting them on Ebay to the highest bidder, do you?

No, It Just Looks Empty. That'll be $17.95.

Convenience Charge:  This convenience charge is usually tacked onto an online purchase of a plane ticket or a ticket for a sporting event or concert.  Upon review, it may be convenient for a large corporation to make a few extra bucks for every transaction, but I can assure you there’s nothing convenient about it for me.  It’s more convenient for me to save my 3 bucks so I can afford a tank of gas and make it in to work tomorrow.

FRIDAY FIVE

FAVORITE CORN-HOLE PRODIGY (wait for 2nd attempt)

 

 

 

 

FAVORITE CAT

Why Would You Want Him Back?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FAVORITE KANYE TUMBLE

 

 

 

 

 

FAVORITE SANTA

Creating Great Memories

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FAVORITE INVENTION

Something Doesn't Seem Right

EVER WONDERED? CHURCH SIGNS

this attempt at humor brought to you by Ev.  click here for more by Ev.

Have you ever wondered…

…why do churches have marquees with corny quotes and statements?  Let’s think about this.  What’s the end goal?  Are they hoping people will want to attend their church after reading it?

“Hahaha!  Did you see that funny pun on that church sign, honey?  Let’s become Christians and start attending that church.  They’re hilarious!”

Maybe they think that their clever comment will be the impetus for real life change for that hurting person.  He will pull over, realize the depth and complexity of the church sign he just read, and repent of his immoral lifestyle.

I’ve compiled a few of my “favorites.”  Enjoy, or throw up; whichever.

just think of how many people are now showing up for Sunday services instead of having relations

not sure it is a realistic comparison. saving $1.25 on a beach towel compared to the brutal death of the Son of God on a cross for the souls of humanity?

take that you sorry atheist with your fancy schmanzy science! God thinks nothing of you!

new outreach ministry to the less-educated people who are also aware of the anabaptist and protestant divide

can't you get more creative than that? how about, "It's so hot, Satan wouldn't even condemn people to live here."

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