This frighteningly hilarious post is brought to you by Steve.
1) I can see how the game, “Bobbing for Apples,” lost it’s luster in the late 60′s/early 70′s. Think about this concept: You dunk your head and hair into a murky barrel of water that has some fruit products floating on top. You run your mouth, teeth, and tongue over a variety of apples, biting a few, but slobbering on all. Whether you get one or not, the already questionable liquid now features an additional dosage of saliva, hair product, and sweat from those contestants giving that extra effort. Now think about the fact that the 20 people in front of you in line have just done the same thing. Your only solace comes from the fact that you are deep in the throes of competition, throwing caution to the wind, and pursuing the ultimate prize . . . wait, the prize is what? . . . an apple? Don’t those things run you about 15 cents each at the local grocer? Oh well, bob away if you like, but there’s no $100 bill at the core of that Granny Smith. This game should more aptly be called “Bobbing for the flu.”
2) My selection of candy to give out to trick-or-treaters is based on an incredibly selfish thought process. Yes, I’d like to buy the cheapest bag of standard brown and orange thingies (to this day, I’m not sure what flavor those are, but if you put 5 or 6 in your mouth at a time, they’re pretty good), but I also want to make sure I’ll have something delicious to munch on when there are leftovers.
3) People that are not at home on Halloween night and leave out a basket of candy for trick-or-treaters and a sign that reads: “Please Take One,” are either very, very naive or just oblivious to human nature and/or the candy-lust of children and adolescents. I’d like to coin this “The Starburst Effect.” Named after the sweet/tangy candy stalwart, “The Starburst Effect” is the mind-altering behavior caused by the over-arching need in a child’s body for mass amounts of sugary goodness. This is the one night a year when they can eat it to their heart’s content, with no parental condemnation, and they use this to their full advantage. Even when my brother and I were both under the age of ten, we told our parents that the ”Please Take One” sign was a bad idea. They put out the sign and candy bowl, we all left for about an hour, and came back to a ravaged candy supply with a few wrappers strewn about the porch as the only evidence the sweet substance ever existed. Sure, it’s great to trust people, but sometimes The Starburst Effect is simply too much to contain. Predictable? Yes. Easy to control? No.