Archive - November, 2011

A Letter to Cassette Players in Cars

November 29, 2011 0

An Open Letter of Compassion to Cassette Players in Cars, written by Ev

Dear Cassette Players in Cars,

You used to be awesome.

First I want to thank you for the many years of service you have given for the sake of car-driving music listeners spread out across these great United States of America.  You’re like a WWII vet except way less significant.  I remember jamming to Air Supply’s “I’m All Out of Love” in my first car, and that wouldn’t have been possible without you.  (I also remember barely avoiding some nasty collisions while trying to fast forward and rewind the cassette to the perfect time for the next song.  That process took at least as long as the song itself.)

Unfortunately, Cassette Players in Cars, you have found yourselves in a very undesirable situation.  Basically, you’re alive and waiting to play, but you are just not needed.  You’re very similar to Rudy.  I see you all the time, but I don’t need or use you at all.  I get in my car, and there you are, hopeful that today might be the day that you will see some action.  But that’s just not going to happen.  I hope I’m not the first one to tell you this, but cassette tapes stink.  This is not a statement about your value – you are amazing.  It’s just that the cassettes themselves are the technological equivalent to windshield wipers.  (Think about it.  Why can’t we get someone to create a more advanced windshield wiper?  They’ve been the same for as long as I can remember.)

Just like Jesus, I have compassion on you.  I promise to at least use a cassette adapter for my iPhone once a month just to keep you loosened up a bit.  Will that help?

Sincerely,

Everett

PS – I’m really upset with Lexus because they continued to put you in cars all the way up until 2010!  That’s cruel and unusual punishment!  You left so many car lots with anticipation for a long and useful life, then you were never used.  And Lexus cars last for a long time!  You’ll be riding around for the next 20 years doing nothing.  That’s horrible.

KITCHEN CLEANING TIPS

November 27, 2011 0

Here are a few of Steve’s rules for cleaning the kitchen:

RULE #1:  Everything (and I mean everything) can be stored in tin foil.  Every time I use Saran wrap I never get it right and I feel like I’m on a hidden camera show.  The plastic wrap never tears off like it’s supposed to, then I crumple it all into a ball in my hand and can’t get it undone.  This maddening process is repeated several times until I’m forced to hurl the entire box across the room, because it gives me no other choice.  Then comes my good pal, tin foil.  Beautiful, pliable, loveable tin foil.  If I bend it, it moves.  If I pull it, it stretches.  No food item is too big or too small and there are no dirty dishes or Tupperware to clean up later.  The only downside is that you can’t see what’s inside, so you’re often forced to employ a grab bag approach to dinner.  Reach in the fridge, grab the metallic brick, open it up and hope for the best.

Is There Anything You Can't Do?

 

RULE #2:  When in doubt, soak.  For the purposes of this situation, I am in doubt a lot.  I can either scrub my little heart out for minutes on end, resulting in pruney fingers and painful hand cramps . . . or . . . I can simply fill a pot with hot water, squirt in a bunch of yellow soap, and let science do the rest.  Why would you do anything else?  This is a very easy rule to follow.

Ease Your Mind and Soak it Up

A MOST TRIVIAL THANKSGIVING

November 22, 2011 0

The trivial things Ev is thankful for.

It’s only appropriate to spend a blog post on the things for which I am thankful; only this list is written in typical borderlinefunny.com flair.  And by “flair” I mean trivial and sarcastic humor which will elicit a slight raise of the right side of your top lip.

I’m thankful for…

  • little league trophies.  my 1981 participant trophy has meant so much to me over the years, and has certainly helped me land some great jobs.
  • free drink refills.  even after all of these years, i still can’t believe that I can pay for one drink but then refill it as much as I want!  i can’t wait until gas suppliers jump on the “free refill” bandwagon.
  • free wi-fi.  if I’m looking for a place to get some work done that also has food and free drink refills, then you better offer me some free wi-fi, or you will immediately be off my list – i don’t care how good your food is.
  • foreign countries who try to communicate in english.  

    I think vomiting is universally prohibited

  • roku 2 xd.  this is going to be hard for me to say, but this is the device that Apple TV should be.  i know, i know.  i’m one of the biggest Apple fan boys you will ever meet, but until Apple TV offers Hulu+, Roku gets the victory.
  • air freshener in bathrooms.
  • James Morrison.  My current favorite musical artist.
  • playful sarcasm with my wife.  sometimes i feel like our lives are a TV sitcom.  of course, other times i feel like it is going to turn into a murder-mystery.
  • huge earlobe holes. 

    statement of individuality AND practical

  • online church services of Northpoint
  • my daughter’s ability to kill deer.  

    we left it there to serve as a warning to other brave deer who think they can take on cars

  • my son’s video game skills.  if you can get scholarships for this, he will be able to go anywhere he wants.
  • inexpensive healthcare.
  • creativity in sport. 


  • these emails that i sent to a guy trying to scam me. 

In response to his email that he couldn’t talk on the phone because he was traveling overseas:

“ok, I understand.  Could you give me some more information about yourself?  I am buying this car as a surprise for my son.  He recently had to have a testicle removed after a football accident and I want to help cheer him up.”

In response to his email that I might need a doctor if I thought I could buy his truck for $200.

“That’s funny, because I am a doctor.  Well, I’m a dentist.  Some people don’t think dentists are real Drs, but that’s not true.  Back to the truck.  Is there a way we could just do a cash exchange?  You seem like someone I can trust, so maybe I could just send you the cash directly instead of going through google checkout.”

What trivial things are you thankful for this year?

THANK TANK

November 20, 2011 0

by Steve

In honor of the season, I’d like to spend some time giving thanks for a variety of different people and things.  This list is by no means comprehensive, but covers some of what I’m thankful for on a daily basis.  So, let the thanking begin:

Cold Pills:  Thanks to all the pharmaceutical companies out there for making cold pills the size of small bowling balls.  OK, slight exaggeration, more like the size of a chemically enhanced grape.  Regardless, it is somewhat boggling to the mind that we can create the internet, put a man on the moon and construct nuclear bombs, but we still can’t quite figure out how to make a simple cold pill a reasonable size.  Instead of predictably gagging 15 times before it actually goes down, I think I’d rather just have some minor surgery to have the pill directly inserted into my stomach.  If my symptoms persist more than 5-7 days, then I’ll stop having the 3 a-day surgeries.  Seems reasonable to me.  Thanks again pharmaceutical companies for thinking I can do it, but I’m afraid to say your challenge is next to impossible.

Pill Shown Is Actual Size

Athletes Who Think They can Act:  Thanks to all the professional athletes out there who think it’s a good idea to expand their careers by making a foray onto the silver screen.  To name a few:  Dan Marino (Ace Ventura:  Pet Detective), Ray Allen (He Got Game), OJ Simpson (Naked Gun Movies) and Shaquille O’Neal (Blue Chips and the highly acclaimed Kazaam and Shaq-Fu).  Without you, we’d have to put up with other people who are actually trained as professional actors.  None of you even come close to doing a respectable job portraying your characters, yet there you are, giving it a shot.  This can serve as inspiration to all of us little people out there.  If we persevere, make millions of dollars and have a high-powered agent, we too can achieve our secondary dreams.

Two Words: Oscar Worthy

 

Weathermen:  Thanks to all the weathermen, excuse me . . . meteorologists, out there for your in-depth reporting, accounts, and predictions for upcoming weather.  All we really want is the 5 day forecast, which can be given in about 20 seconds, but you feel the need to give us a variety of other, less pertinent information, as well.  Last night, for example, I was treated to 2 minutes of viewing a lowish-medium frontal cumulus system moving slowly across the Great Lakes.  This system was represented by a light blue wave intersecting with crisscrossing red lines that moved across the screen at 57 degree angles at a rate of 1 line per 3 seconds.  While I am happy and thankful that you are adept at operating your blue screen apparatus, this information means absolutely nothing to me.  Thanks, though, for believing that the viewing public cares about any weather beyond what is going to directly affect them and their plans for the given day.

This Chart Makes Me Want Some Skittles

 

FRIDAY FIVE

November 17, 2011 0

FAVORITE SCARED DOG

 

 

FAVORITE WHEEL OF FORTUNE CONTESTANT

 

 

FAVORITE REF FAVORITISM


 

 

FAVORITE PEARL JAM SOUND-A-LIKE


 

 

FAVORITE BEST BUY PRANK


“PUSHING THE ENVELOPE”

November 15, 2011 0

I have observed something about myself: I often use metaphors, similes, and clichés in which I have no idea from where they came, nor what the original meaning was.  Take, for example, the phrase, “she is the apple of my eye.”  Is apple the best food item we could come up with that is very pleasing?  I mean, I love apples, but there are many other things I love more.  How about “she is the Moe’s steak Joey Bag Donuts of my eye.”  That, I would understand.

Get it? Stationary...

There is one phrase, though, that I have used on multiple occasions, yet I have no idea where it came from – “pushing the envelope.”  “That Frank is really pushing the envelope at work.  I hope it doesn’t get him canned*.”  Where in the world did that come from?  Was Vernon working at his desk one day pushing an envelope as close to the edge of his desk as is physically possible before it would tumble headlong onto the floor spilling its contents and causing a company meltdown?  I could hear the boss now, “What just happened?  Is that crazy Vernon pushing the envelope again?  This is the 3rd time this year!  I’m going to can his sorry butt!”

Perhaps I’m completely off on that one.  Maybe as Vernon was sitting at his desk, one of those crazy envelopes began to give him an evil stare.  One of those completely sinister looks in which you know that you have two choices: either run away for the sake of self-preservation or steel yourself to face the enemy and prove your character once and for all.  Vernon chose the latter, positioned himself, and with all his force pushed that bully envelope all the way across his desk, where it fell off the desk and met an untimely demise when it crashed on the floor.  Vernon’s boss then yells, “Thataboy, Vernon!  Way to push the envelope!  Now we are making progress around here.”

* BTW, another metaphor that I don’t get – “canned?”

WORST COLLEGE FOOTBALL MASCOTS

November 13, 2011 0

by Steve

I love all the antics of college football mascots as much as anyone.  Their comical, oversized features, combined with their carefree attitudes and lots of overzealous cheering and opponent taunting make them a great sideline attraction.  However, there are a few colleges out there that have a mascot that just doesn’t quite fit the bill, and I’ll tell you why.

STANFORD - THE TREE

You’re a tree.  That’s really all that needs to be said (but, of course I’ll say a little more).  No self-respecting mascot should be something so toothless or un-intimidating.  Another problem is that the tree portion of the outfit only covers about 3/4 of the mascot’s body.  A general rule of thumb is that if you can see the gym shorts or cargo pants and tennis shoes of the person wearing the costume, then you need to re-think the overall design.

You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself

KANSAS STATE - WILDCAT

This mascot is just a regular, skinny college student who is wearing a football uniform with no pads.  The only differentiating feature between the mascot and the team’s starting punter is the huge wildcat head he wears.  This lack of effort is perplexing.  I’ve honestly seen more elaborately dressed mascots at a junior high school pep rally.  What’s the problem here?  K-State can afford to pay their aging head coach over a million dollars a year, but they can’t come up with the extra 125 bucks for a bloated foam midsection and/or a huge pair of comicly oversized pantaloons?  I see a philosophical problem with their athletic program’s priorities.

Part Wildcat, Part Human, All Awful

OKLAHOMA STATE - PISTOL PETE

This is not the worst costume in the world, but the head is way too creepy.  Come to think about it, it actually looks like something that would freak you out from your great-grandmother’s childhood doll collection.  The only redeeming quality is that he has a few 4-foot long pistols to fire at opposing teams as they announce the starting lineups.

That Look Will Give Me Nightmares

 

Are there any other mascots that upset you for some reason?

FRIDAY FIVE

November 10, 2011 0

Favorite Cheerleader

at least she tucked her head like she was supposed to

Favorite Baseball Swing

Favorite New Parents

"A baby. Just great."

Favorite Daredevil

next time do something hard, like jump over a Hummer

Favorite Cat

I don't even like cats, but this one is my favorite

DEAR ANTS IN MY YARD

November 8, 2011 0

Sincerely, Ev.

 

Dear Ants in My Yard,

I would really like to peacefully coexist, but you leave me no choice.  Listen, I don’t have anything against you as long as you don’t bite me, but you are forcing me to kill many of your kind simply because of where you decide to build your home.  Those blades on my mower will cut right through you and your home in a nanosecond.  Something needs to be done.

I don't want to, but I will cut you in half

What’s even worse is that when I kill you and rip apart your home, you just move to another location in my yard.  Not only do you move, but you end up building a bigger house!  Are you that arrogant and defiant?  Do you think you will be able to withstand my mower’s ferocious power the next time around?

Ants, who can I talk to about this?  I’m trying to save your lives.  Is there an ant realtor who can be held responsible for selling you property in a dangerous area?  Could we announce it on the AEBS (Ant Emergency Broadcast System)?  Is there an ant internet where we can post warnings?

Sincerely,

Everett Bracken, Homeowner

WHY BEING A KID IS BETTER THAN BEING AN ADULT

November 6, 2011 8

by Steve (who still longs for the magical days when he dominated his 2nd grade YMCA basketball league . . . more on that to come later)

There’s no way around it. Kids of all ages lead unbelievable lives. The trouble is, they just don’t know it. There are tons of reasons why being a kid is better than being an adult, but you unfortunately don’t ever realize these things until you’re too old to fully appreciate them. A few of these reasons are below, but this is by no means a comprehensive list:

As a kid:

1) You are forced to take naps. They seemed horrible at the time, but now I would pretty much give my left pinkie finger to be “forced” to take a nap everyday. Important conference call or meeting? Sorry, that can wait. Maybe after I get up from my nap. I had a long day yesterday of digging holes in the backyard, adding to my candy stash in the garage, and playing all manner of games with made up rules, so I’m pretty tuckered out.

2) Someone else prepares every meal for you. You don’t truly realize how amazing this is until you are first living on your own. Eating out is really expensive and making your own food takes a lot of time and energy, plus you have to clean up. To think that ever in your life as a child you complained about what was set down at the table in front of you seems absurd. When I have kids and they complain about their meals after the age of 3, then my response will be “You need to go get a job, and you’ll be welcome to buy and eat whatever you want.”

3) This is typically true for babies and small toddlers, but no matter what you do, someone will clean up after you. Yes, no matter what. Better yet, when you’re really little, they don’t even get mad, because that’s what you’re expected to do. Plus you don’t care that you’re dirty. As an adult, if you get a stain on your shirt, your day is ruined. Back then, you’d run or crawl around in soiled britches all day and you couldn’t have cared less.

4) You never get tired. I don’t really ever remember being worn out or tired as a kid. If I think back, my first real memory of being tired is probably middle school basketball practice, but I was a teenager by then. Nowadays, I can’t even remember the last time I felt really rested. Think about it. When was the last time you felt completely rested and caught up on sleep? I’ll try to ponder this, but will probably drift into a deep slumber before I come up with the answer.

Just Livin' the Dream

Page 1 of 212»