In honor of the season, I’d like to spend some time giving thanks for a variety of different people and things. This list is by no means comprehensive, but covers some of what I’m thankful for on a daily basis. So, let the thanking begin:
Cold Pills: Thanks to all the pharmaceutical companies out there for making cold pills the size of small bowling balls. OK, slight exaggeration, more like the size of a chemically enhanced grape. Regardless, it is somewhat boggling to the mind that we can create the internet, put a man on the moon and construct nuclear bombs, but we still can’t quite figure out how to make a simple cold pill a reasonable size. Instead of predictably gagging 15 times before it actually goes down, I think I’d rather just have some minor surgery to have the pill directly inserted into my stomach. If my symptoms persist more than 5-7 days, then I’ll stop having the 3 a-day surgeries. Seems reasonable to me. Thanks again pharmaceutical companies for thinking I can do it, but I’m afraid to say your challenge is next to impossible.
Athletes Who Think They can Act: Thanks to all the professional athletes out there who think it’s a good idea to expand their careers by making a foray onto the silver screen. To name a few: Dan Marino (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective), Ray Allen (He Got Game), OJ Simpson (Naked Gun Movies) and Shaquille O’Neal (Blue Chips and the highly acclaimed Kazaam and Shaq-Fu). Without you, we’d have to put up with other people who are actually trained as professional actors. None of you even come close to doing a respectable job portraying your characters, yet there you are, giving it a shot. This can serve as inspiration to all of us little people out there. If we persevere, make millions of dollars and have a high-powered agent, we too can achieve our secondary dreams.