An Open Letter of Compassion to Cassette Players in Cars, written by Ev
Dear Cassette Players in Cars,
You used to be awesome.
First I want to thank you for the many years of service you have given for the sake of car-driving music listeners spread out across these great United States of America. You’re like a WWII vet except way less significant. I remember jamming to Air Supply’s “I’m All Out of Love” in my first car, and that wouldn’t have been possible without you. (I also remember barely avoiding some nasty collisions while trying to fast forward and rewind the cassette to the perfect time for the next song. That process took at least as long as the song itself.)
Unfortunately, Cassette Players in Cars, you have found yourselves in a very undesirable situation. Basically, you’re alive and waiting to play, but you are just not needed. You’re very similar to Rudy. I see you all the time, but I don’t need or use you at all. I get in my car, and there you are, hopeful that today might be the day that you will see some action. But that’s just not going to happen. I hope I’m not the first one to tell you this, but cassette tapes stink. This is not a statement about your value – you are amazing. It’s just that the cassettes themselves are the technological equivalent to windshield wipers. (Think about it. Why can’t we get someone to create a more advanced windshield wiper? They’ve been the same for as long as I can remember.)
Just like Jesus, I have compassion on you. I promise to at least use a cassette adapter for my iPhone once a month just to keep you loosened up a bit. Will that help?
Sincerely,
Everett
PS – I’m really upset with Lexus because they continued to put you in cars all the way up until 2010! That’s cruel and unusual punishment! You left so many car lots with anticipation for a long and useful life, then you were never used. And Lexus cars last for a long time! You’ll be riding around for the next 20 years doing nothing. That’s horrible.
