This Borderline Guide brought to you by Ev.
I’m getting really tired of the standard phone greeting of “Hello?”. (Why do we say it with a question mark at the end?) Just like Mike Krzyzewski, it’s time for retirement. I have created several more relevant greetings, including some that are much more practical, and today, for the first time, I will unveil them to the public in this Borderline Guide. This marks the beginning of the modernization of the way in which people use their telephone devices (including those of the cellular variety).
- You have 7 seconds to gain my interest. Go. If they don’t do it, hang up.
- Who is this and why are you calling? Gets straight to the point and cuts out the small talk (i.e., “How are you doing?”).
- Lovely weather today. This is the opposite of the last one. If you really don’t want to get straight to business, then you can set the tone for small talk right up front. Alternatives could be, “What’s your favorite color?” or “Have you seen the movie Crazy, Stupid Love? I loved it!”
- This is the owner of the number you just dialed. Please inform me of your name and the purpose of your call. Granted, this is a little cumbersome and formal, but it doesn’t reveal too much information before you find out who is calling.
- You’ve got 3 minutes. Go. I suggest you give them a countdown warning every thirty seconds.
- Just got back from lunch. I’m so full! Similar to a tweet, this greeting should be less than 140 characters and give the caller some unimportant detail of your life.
- I was less-than-excited when I saw your name on caller id, but I decided to answer anyway. What’s up? This is the straight-up honest approach, and my mom always said that honesty is the best policy.
- You’ve reached Everett on his iPhone 4s. If you are calling from any other type of phone, please hang up and contact me via the US Postal Service, because that’s how far behind the times you are. I apologize in advance for this snobbery, but it is an inevitable side-effect of owning an iPhone.
- If you are calling to tell me good news, let’s talk. If you are calling to ask me for something, hang up and text me. If you are trying to sell me something, hang up and text someone else. For all others, press star 8 3 6 pound 3 5 1 5, then after the bell, hang up, dial 9 1 1 and press send. Can be a little lengthy for those with an IQ under 150.
- If a rainbow drops from the sky, what time will the fire alarm return to the barn? Don’t say anything else the entire conversation until they answer your question.
Do you have any other alternate phone greetings to share?