This food edition of IF . . . THEN is brought to you by Steve.
IF sanitation grades are so important THEN why don’t they display them at the drive-through menu, instead of the pick-up window? I’ve already paid for my food at that point and I can only look in horror at the 84.5 rating that stands between me and indulgent satisfaction. You got me this time, McDonald’s, but never again . . . well, maybe again . . . probably again . . . OK, you’ll definitely get me again, but just know that I’m on to you.
IF people are trying to fool you by thinking they’re getting a salad to be healthy THEN they shouldn’t cover it with two types of meat, a full basket of croutons, a pint of chipotle ranch dressing, a 16 oz. package of shredded cheese, and 3 handfuls of bacon bits. (Oh waaaaaait, they’re actually imitation bacon bits. I take it all back.) It’s almost like the lettuce is an ancient treasure and can only be located and uncovered after decades of intense research and careful excavation.