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Funny Facebook/Twitter Posts

March 13, 2013 0

This is Ev’s Borderline Guide to Entertaining Yourself on Social Media

Because I can’t watch TV all day, I’ve found a new way to entertain myself (which is one of my daily goals).  I stumbled upon this unsophisticatedly great idea, and I knew immediately that I was onto something special.  It started out with me browsing Facebook, looking for lame status updates that I could respond to with smart aleck comments.  In a series of miscalculated keyboard strokes I ended up responding to a friend’s status in my own status update.  I typed, “just call me and let me know.”

I was surprised and immensely entertained with the responses, so I decided to post some more confusing statements like that to see what people would say.  People are funny.  Some people are always serious, which makes me laugh.  Some people are what my son, Daniel, calls “try hards.”  They try to be funny, but all they can manage to massage out of me is a courtesy laugh.  And then there are the insanely funny people who stalk The Facebook looking for unsuspecting members to make fun of.  To these people, my ambiguous updates are the equivalent of throwing an 80 mph fastball right down the middle to LeBron Pujols.

I have started a list of possible status updates to get the ball rolling.  Try some, or create your own, just make sure you report back to me with any funny responses.

  • “I saw one behind the water heater when I was hiding.”
  • “Who was she kissing?”
  • “We better not tell him.”
  • “We just need to tell him, even though it’s going to hurt him.”
  • “Do you think she knows?”
  • “She asked me to tell him she wanted to break up with him.”
  • “Where were you when you got your DUI?”
  • “Will the scar be permanent?”
  • “Are you going to tell the person you hit her car?”
  • “I can’t believe you won the lottery!  Are you going to keep it a secret?”
  • “Are Mormons allowed to do that?”
  • “Why were you wearing that to work in the first place?”
  • “Are you going to be arrested?”
  • “I left my iPad at the tennis court.  Can you get it before you leave?”
  • “I think you need to call the cops.”
  • “Tell me again what your underwear size is?”
  • “Where do you want to eat on our date?”
  • “What else did you want me to pick up at the grocery store?”

What are some other intriguing and inviting status updates I can use?

Guide For Dealing With Election Blues

November 6, 2012 0

I (Ev) am here to help.

President Obamney

Now that the election is over, half of America is exuberant while the other half is in utter disbelief.  If your guy won, today is a good day for you.  Congrats.  If your guy lost, you might as well begin preparing for the apocalypse.  Perhaps there is something to this Mayan calendar thing.

For you who are in the latter group, I’ve been there.  In the first election I voted in, Rep. John Randolph lost to incumbent James Madison, and I was heartbroken.  Because of that experience, and in an effort to help you, I have come up with some pretty effective ways to deal with this cataclysmic calamity of disastrous proportions.

  1. Blame Everything On the Other Guy.  Gas prices go up?  It’s ____________’s fault!  Car breaks down?  That dang ____________!  Wife mad at you?  Not your fault.  Somehow it’s his fault.
  2. Create a New Economy.  I know it seems far-fetched, but I think hair would be good to use as currency.  The longer the hair, the more it’s worth (which would make body hair less valuable, and I think we are all for that.)  Thirsty and need a tasty beverage at the store?  Scrape your hand across the floor mat in your car and there you go!
  3. Create Your Own Policies.  One of the main reasons you chose to vote for or against a candidate is because of his policies.  Your guy and his policies lost, so why not just create your own?  Sure, you can’t influence the entire country with your policies, but you sure can influence the people in your own life.  Here are a couple to consider:
    • “From now on, I will only respond when you refer to me as Magavi.  Sorry, it’s my policy.”
    • “My favorite team is the team currently in first place, whoever that may be.  That’s my policy.”
  4. Buy An iPad. A new iPad will make your forget all about your troubles.
  5. Move to Hawaii.  My understanding from watching TV is that people in Hawaii surf, hang out on the beach, and stay in awesome houses with great views.  There is also a different Hawaii, I’m not exactly sure of it’s location, where bad stuff happens and Dog the Bounty Hunter catches the bad people.  Don’t go to that one.

If you see this guy, you’re in the wrong Hawaii.

 

4 Great Excuses

October 16, 2012 0

I (Ev) spend about half my day coming up with excuses to self-justify why I can’t do what I need to do.  Have to make an uncomfortable phone call?  Can’t.  Need to save my voice for teaching.  Need to go through that pile of stuff on my desk?  No sir.  I’ve heard that sitting down at a desk takes years off one’s life.

These excuses work great on me, because I’m gullible with myself, but I need to come up with good excuses to give to others to get out of stuff I don’t want to do.  Having a baby was great, but my kids are too old to use as excuses now.  I’ve come up with a few new ones, but I need your advice as to which ones would be best.

  1. “I have converse gregarianism.”  This is a good excuse for when people ask you to attend a gathering you have no interest in attending.  Ex. “Hey, do you want to come to our fundraising banquet to support the reclamation of discarded polaroids?”  “Wow, that sounds great, but I can’t.  Can you keep a secret?  I have converse gregarianism and I can’t be around outgoing people during this time in my life.  I’m sure you understand.”
  2. “I have oral podiatrism.”  You’re always saying something to get yourself into trouble?  Use that as an excuse to get out doing where you don’t want to do.
  3. “I wish I could, but I have a friend who is not doing well, and I need to spend some time praying for him.”  This is not even a lie.  I’m sure I have a friend somewhere in the world who is not doing well, so I can say a generic prayer for him and I’ve done exactly what I said I would do – spent some “time” praying for a “friend” who is “not doing well.”  Plus, how could someone call you on this one?  You can’t call out someone who wants to pray for someone.
  4. “I have a condition called…”  You just come up with some made-up condition like appendichotmectomyismosys.  You can use it for anything, especially if you call it a “condition.”  If asked about it, just say, “I don’t like to talk about it” and then close your eyes really tightly until they leave.

 

HOW TO BREAK UP WITH YOUR EMAIL

June 17, 2012 0

This Borderline Guide to breaking up with unwanted email is brought to you by Steve.

This week, I decided that I was finally tired of getting emails from a thousand companies I’ve never heard of, so I spent some time going through my inbox to unsubscribe from each listserv accordingly.  As with the ending of any relationship, this task proved to be a little more difficult than I had once imagined.  First of all, just trying to find the “unsubscribe” link was extremely challenging as it was in size 1.5 font and usually buried in the midst of 3 wordy paragraphs filled with legal jargon that you would never see unless you were blatantly searching for it.  After clicking on the “unsubscribe” button, you might think the process would be over, but you would be wrong . . . oh, so wrong.  I was then sent to a long list of check-box items that implored me to still stay signed up for something, followed by a few pages asking me “Are you sure you want to unsubscribe?”  One even said “We’ll miss you.”  Honestly, it was like to trying to break up with somebody.  At first, you try to let them down easy, but after elongated periods of pleading, you have to put your foot down and stress that the relationship isn’t working for either person (or in this case, one human and one electronic database).  “Look, I’m just not at a point in my life where I can accept 50 mass emails from you a day alerting me to stock tips, discount golf clubs, and the latest version of tube socks.  I wish I was in a better place for you, but this is just a decision I have to make for me.”  Even after the entire unsubscribing was complete, one site still offered a link to their sales page, just in case my mind wasn’t completely made up.  Honestly, it almost sucked me back in, but I stood strong and tearfully clicked away.  One could argue that breaking up over email isn’t the most appropriate way to end a relationship, but I’ve never really even talked to them in the first place, so there was never really a future for us anyway.

 

Don’t Let Emotions Get in the Way of What Needs to be Done

Funny Facebook Posts

May 8, 2012 0

This is Ev’s Borderline Guide to Entertaining Yourself on Facebook

Until I get this installed in my house, Facebook will have to help me entertain myself

Because I can’t watch TV all day, I’ve found a new way to entertain myself (which is one of my daily goals).  I stumbled upon this unsophisticatedly great idea, and I knew immediately that I was on to something special.  It started out with me browsing Facebook, looking for lame status updates that I could respond to with smart aleck comments.  In a series of miscalculated keyboard strokes I ended up responding to a friend’s status in my own status update.  I typed, “just call me and let me know.”

I was surprised and immensely entertained with the responses, so I decided to post some more confusing statements like that to see what people would say.  People are funny.  Some people are always serious, which makes me laugh.  Some people are what my son, Daniel, calls “try hards.”  They try to be funny, but all they can manage to massage out of me is a courtesy laugh.  And then there are the insanely funny people who stalk The Facebook looking for unsuspecting members to make fun of.  To these people, my ambiguous updates are the equivalent of throwing an 80 mph fastball right down the middle to LeBron Pujols.

I have started a list of possible status updates to get the ball rolling.  Try some, or create your own, just make sure you report back to me with any funny responses.

  • “I saw one behind the water heater when I was hiding.”
  • “Who was she kissing?”
  • “We better not tell him.”
  • “We just need to tell him, even though it’s going to hurt him.”
  • “Do you think she knows?”
  • “She asked me to tell him she wanted to break up with him.”
  • “Where were you when you got your DUI?”
  • “Will the scar be permanent?”
  • “My password is CODERED3.  I use it for everything.”
  • “Are you going to tell the person you hit her car?”
  • “I can’t believe you won the lottery!  Are you going to keep it a secret?”
  • “Are Mormons allowed to do that?”
  • “Why were you wearing that to work in the first place?”
  • “Are you going to be arrested?”
  • “I left my iPad at the tennis court.  Can you get it before you leave?”
  • “I think you need to call the cops.”
  • “Tell me again what your underwear size is?”
  • “Where do you want to eat on our date?”
  • “What else did you want me to pick up at the grocery store?”

What are some other intriguing and inviting status updates I can use?

Questions for Obama (answered by Ev)

April 24, 2012 2

glad I could serve my country in this way

Last week CNN asked President Obama and Mitt Romney some important questions about Asia.  Mr. Romney is going to hire an illegal immigrant to respond at the appropriate time.  Mr. Obama is busy with president stuff, so he turned to me (Ev) to answer these questions on his behalf because of my expertise in US-Asia relations.  (For our borderlinefunny.com readers, this could be considered The Borderline Guide to US-Asia Relations.)

  1. How should the United States manage relations with China? 

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh. . . people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.

  1. How can the United States maintain sufficient military power and presence in the region?

Isn’t this the second question?  Why does it say “1″ again?  Anyway, we need to fly more military troops into the region and provide them with military weaponry and resources.  If anyone has a problem with that, we will shoot them.

  1. How will the United States make decisions over which arms to sell to Taiwan? 

We can’t discuss our black-market selling practices.  All I can say is that internal organs are getting much more than arms are currently.  Also, right arms are generally more expensive than left, unless the left arm is from a famous person like Thomas Kincade.  (Too soon?)

  1. What is the best strategy for checking North Korean ambitions to build long-range missiles and nuclear weapons? 

LOL!  We are doing absolutely nothing to check their ambitions.  Why would we?  Their latest “ambition” fell apart minutes after it launched.

  1. Should the United States encourage Japan to take on more responsibility for regional security? 

Yes.

  1. Should the United States play a more active role in ensuring peace in the South China Sea?

In the sea?  Are we supposed to be at war against sea life?  I think we would upset the natural order of things in the sea.  Let’s just leave it alone.

  1. How can the United States best balance support for current reforms under way in Burma/Myanmar with lingering concerns about the role of the military and ethnic conflicts? 

I have no idea what this question is about.

  1. How can the United States generally encourage allies and partners in the region to shoulder greater responsibility and expand security cooperation?

I’m planning for every member of congress to send tweets and text messages to all our allies and partners in the region making jokes about how weak they are.  Then we will shame them into taking more responsibility.  Like I’ve always heard, guilt is the best motivator.  I’ve also heard that you shouldn’t play for 30 minutes after you eat.

 

I’d like to thank the president for trusting me to respond to these questions.  I’m pretty confident CNN will run these answers on their website.  If you can’t get a hold of me over the next couple of days, it is probably because I will be conducting multiple TV interviews to discuss my policies.  I have several policies.

Borderline Guide to Alternate Phone Greetings

February 1, 2012 2

This Borderline Guide brought to you by Ev.

"I refuse to say 'hello' when I answer the phone. I am the World's Most Interesting Man."

I’m getting really tired of the standard phone greeting of “Hello?”.  (Why do we say it with a question mark at the end?)  Just like Mike Krzyzewski, it’s time for retirement.    I have created several more relevant greetings, including some that are much more practical, and today, for the first time, I will unveil them to the public in this Borderline Guide.  This marks the beginning of the modernization of the way in which people use their telephone devices (including those of the cellular variety).

  1. You have 7 seconds to gain my interest.  Go. If they don’t do it, hang up.
  2. Who is this and why are you calling?  Gets straight to the point and cuts out the small talk (i.e., “How are you doing?”).
  3. Lovely weather today.  This is the opposite of the last one.  If you really don’t want to get straight to business, then you can set the tone for small talk right up front.  Alternatives could be, “What’s your favorite color?” or “Have you seen the movie Crazy, Stupid Love?  I loved it!”
  4. This is the owner of the number you just dialed.  Please inform me of your name and the purpose of your call.  Granted, this is a little cumbersome and formal, but it doesn’t reveal too much information before you find out who is calling.
  5. You’ve got 3 minutes.  Go. I suggest you give them a countdown warning every thirty seconds.
  6. Just got back from lunch.  I’m so full!  Similar to a tweet, this greeting should be less than 140 characters and give the caller some unimportant detail of your life.
  7. I was less-than-excited when I saw your name on caller id, but I decided to answer anyway.  What’s up?  This is the straight-up honest approach, and my mom always said that honesty is the best policy.
  8. You’ve reached Everett on his iPhone 4s.  If you are calling from any other type of phone, please hang up and contact me via the US Postal Service, because that’s how far behind the times you are.  I apologize in advance for this snobbery, but it is an inevitable side-effect of owning an iPhone.
  9. If you are calling to tell me good news, let’s talk.  If you are calling to ask me for something, hang up and text me.  If you are trying to sell me something, hang up and text someone else.  For all others, press star 8 3 6 pound 3 5 1 5, then after the bell, hang up, dial 9 1 1  and press send.  Can be a little lengthy for those with an IQ under 150.
  10. If a rainbow drops from the sky, what time will the fire alarm return to the barn?  Don’t say anything else the entire conversation until they answer your question.

Do you have any other alternate phone greetings to share?

Borderline Guide – How to Purchase Amazing Christmas Gifts

December 20, 2011 0

This Borderline Guide to purchasing Christmas gifts presented by Ev.

If this is the Appointed Gift, then go for it. Trust the plan.

Most people are getting nervous right about now, worried about what to purchase for their loved ones with only 3 days left before the Big Day. But I say those people just don’t possess the plan to succeed. I don’t want you, my faithful readers, to feel any undue anxiety over the next few days. Therefore, I am presenting to you, in this Borderline Guide, 5 easy steps to securing amazing Christmas gifts and becoming the talk of the family.

  1. Wait… on the Lord. Don’t waste time thinking about what gifts you need to buy until Christmas Eve. Trust that the Lord (and my plan) will lead you to the perfect gift.
  2. Text… and shop. Pick up your cell phone and pick a random person. Text him (or her) and ask him to name one of his favorite stores to buy Christmas gifts from. That is the store you will go to.
  3. Pray… for a number. On your drive to the store, ask God to give you a number between 1-100, then immediately after asking, think of a number. The first number that comes to you is the amount of money you need to spend on that gift.
  4. Walk… to the middle of the store. Once there, look around and find the first person wearing red. If there are none, wait until one comes along. Once one is spotted, walk in the direction of the person.
  5. Look… for the first present that matches the number (within $1) you thought about earlier. You have to trust the process. If the first thing you find is a package of Depends Undergarments, then trust that that is the present to purchase. If it is girl’s underwear for your pops, then trust the process. Maybe he needs those, or maybe he could re-gift them because he forget to get something for the wife. You must trust the process and refuse to move on to another gift.

    This may be exactly what is needed

(for multiple gifts, repeat steps 3-5)

Purchase the gift, wrap it, and enjoy the fun. Each year, family members will wait anxiously to see what crazy gift you have given them this year. It is also a good way to get your spouse upset with you – especially if you use this method for purchasing his/her gift.

Borderline Guide to Teaching Different Types of Students, 2

December 14, 2011 2

posted by Ev

Last week I introduced you to three types of students I have in my classes.  Here are three more that I deal with every day.

  • Sleeping Sam – I wonder if some of my students ever sleep during the night.  Within 3 minutes of planting himself in his chair, SS’s head is on the table, and drool is puddling.  My favorite way to get his heart pumping in this situation is to quietly walk over to him, and then suddenly and violently slam my fist on the table and scream.  That usually keeps him awake for about 48 seconds.

  • Talkative Taylor – It only takes one of these in a class to drive me crazy.  TT feels the need to spend the entire class period catching up with the person sitting next to her.  There is something about the way TT is designed that makes her HAVE to talk.  It doesn’t matter if you move her, tape her mouth shut with duct tape (I mean, not that I would do that…), or embarrass her in front of the class, she just has to talk.  I have been checking into drug treatments for TT, but until then I simply provide her with free water with Benadryl mixed in.  TT then becomes a Sleeping Sam, which is 87.6% better.
  • Weird Wade – there are some students who are just plain unique.  WW sees the world in a different way than everyone else does.  It may be that WW makes statements that confound everyone and make them question his sanity, or it could be that no one even knows WW is in the class because he is so quiet.  Whatever the case, there is only one way to deal with a WW – love and appreciate him.  WW makes me realize that we are all unique, but most of us spend too much time trying to be like everyone else.  WW is secure enough to be himself.  Thanks WW for teaching me (but please stop wearing that fanny pack to school everyday).

Borderline Guide to Teaching Different Types of Students

December 6, 2011 3

This borderline guide of educational insight brought to you by Ev. (This is part 1.  Part 2 is coming next week.)

I don’t think it’s wise to categorize people, but I do it anyway when it’s convenient.  In my 10 years of teaching Bible classes for high school students I have observed that most students fall into one of six categories.  Knowing these types of students will not help you at all in your teaching, but at least it’s fun to know.

  • Jeremy Jokester – I start with this one, because this was me (and still is most of the time).  This kid loves to say or do something funny, even at the most inopportune times. I may say,  “Let’s pray.  Dear Father…” only to be interrupted with a loud farting sound and lots of laughter.  As the teacher, what can you say at that point?  “Stop farting during our prayers, please?”  Or maybe I could continue the prayer like this, “God, please forgive JJ for that most disrespectful action.  I know that you will judge him for his inappropriate bodily functions.  May you give him unending gas for the rest of the week, and may his children have terrible flatulence problems.”
  • Negative Nadia – Oh the joys of teaching this student.  I might say, “Please take out a piece of paper and pencil.”  Inevitably NN will then let out a huge sigh followed by, “Are you serious?  Why do we need to do that?  This class is stupid.”   The best is when you announce that a test is coming up.  “What?  I already have a test on that day.  I hate my life.  And I hate you, too.”  I usually just say, “Hang on a second.  Let me get my phone out so I can call the Wahmbulance.”
  • All-Knowing Andy - This kid loves to show off his knowledge like it is his beautiful, brand new Ferrari.  He assumes that his gift to the world is his smartness, and it must be shared with everyone in the world so that it can be a better place.  Whenever I begin a sentence that even remotely sounds like I might ask a question, AKA shoots his hand up so quickly, the girl next to him has to brush her hair back down.  It goes something like this: “Do you think… (interrupted by the violent thrust of AKA)… yes, AKA?”  “I think that the prophet Jeremiah speaks to this in chapter 28, when he rebukes the false prophet Hananiah…”  “Um, yeah AKA, let me interrupt you there.  Thanks for showing off your knowledge of OT prophets, but I was just going to ask if you guys think it is hot in here or not.”

note: These are not my real responses to these situations. This is just my feeble attempt at humor.  Please don’t try to get me fired.  Thanks.

note 2: Any resemblance to any of my current students is merely coincidental.

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