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LETTERS TO THINGS

May 5, 2013 0

Dear No Turn on Red Sign,

Just checking in to see if you were hanging in there. It must be a little depressing that no one ever heeds your simple, straight-forward instructions. Each and every day, people completely disregard your sole purpose in life and it must be frustrating to be proven pointless day after day. Yes, there are a few people who heed you from time to time, but they are inevitably upset at you for taking away one of the small luxuries they do have in the midst of their hectic day. Keep your head up, at least you’re not a No U-Turn Sign.

Sincerely,

Drivers Everywhere

 

Cheer Up Buddy, Things Will Turn Around For You Soon

Cheer Up Buddy, Things Will Turn Around For You Soon

 

 

LETTERS TO THINGS

April 14, 2013 0

Dear Dippin’ Dots Ice Cream,

Why do you hail yourself as “The Ice Cream of the Future?” By making this assertion, you have constantly frustrated and angered a number of different people who waltz by your kiosk on the fringe of the mall food court.  The fact is, the only thing that makes you different from conventional ice cream is that you come in multiple tiny balls instead of big scoops. Please explain in 500 words or less how this makes you futuristic. I fail to follow the logic that in 1000 years, when 1/2 of earth’s population is living in outer space and driving moon cars with laser beams that they’ll also be dining on you. Your self-ordained title can no longer be tolerated and I, for one, am taking a stand.

Sincerely,

Traditional Gallon-Sized Ice Cream Buckets (that only come in chocolate or vanilla)

 

You Are Fooling No One

You Are Fooling No One

Letter To Workout Partners

December 11, 2012 0

Dear Workout Partners,

Interacting with you during workouts has helped me to endure extreme physical torture, and even helped prepare me for the ear-popping Miley Cyrus concert of 2009.  I am forever grateful that you were there to help me.  Today I want to recognize you 8 different types of partners.  In your own special way, you have inspired me to gain 50 pounds since I graduated from college.

  1. The Overachiever.

OA: “What, we are supposed to do 15 of those?  Shoot, I’ll do 20.”

Me: “This is only the first exercise, you may want to pace yourself.”

OA: “Do you think Kobe Bryant is ‘pacing himself’ right now?  No!  We cannot give an inch or we will be destroyed!”

Me: “But you don’t play in the NBA, and who is going to destroy us?”

OA: “Sissy!”

    1. The Underachiever.  You know this one – he is never working really hard.  After 6 weeks, he is actually in worse shape than when he started.  His jumping jacks look like this.
  1. The Yeller.  One of my former workout partners would yell “I’m a pony!” every time we did one of the exercises, but that is not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the person who feels the need to express the pain his body is going through with deep groans and loud yells.  You know this guy, he is the one who paints up for football games.  This person has also been known to bark during special occasions.  
  2. The Beast.  Whatever amount of weight you do, this guys does about 6 times more, and only uses one hand.

Me: “I just maxed out my bench press.  112 pounds.”

B: “Yeah, me too.  658 pounds with my left arm, which is my weaker arm.”

  1. The Uncoordinated One.  “Left leg out…no, right leg…wait, how do you do this?  I never know how to do a curl the right way!”
  2. The Complainer.  “I am so tired.  I only got 12 hours of sleep last night, and my right pinky toe has a red mark on it.  This workout is the hardest one we do.  My arm hurts.  Why are we doing this one?  It’s stupid.  I can’t do this one.”
  3. The Farter.  This guy thinks it is funny to let loose with the worst gas attack of the decade during the time when you are sucking wind right behind him.  After you regain consciousness, it is alway best to plug him up so that he can’t do it again.
  4. The Natural.  While you are forcing out push up number 12, he’s on 63.  After 3 workouts he looks like an Olympic athlete.  He has been seen sweating only twice.  He is also known as Chuck Norris.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ev

LETTERS TO THINGS

November 25, 2012 0

Dear GPS Navigation System,

Why in the world would I want to take 2 lefts, 3 rights, and make a U-Turn when I can clearly see my destination 100 yards in front of me? You might be able to trick other drivers into following your devious schemes, but not me. I’m pretty sure you got a good chuckle out of making me go 2 miles down that dead-end street last week, but I’ve vowed to never again aimlessly follow your sultry computerized voice.

Yours Truly,

A Savvy Motorist

 

Are You Sure I Should Take a Left Into That Duck Pond?

 

LETTERS TO THINGS

October 15, 2012 0

Steve writes another letter to something that can’t write him back.

Dear Speed Hump,

This is your cousin, the Speed Bump, writing.  All of us here on the Roadway Slow-Down Commission are a  little concerned about your increasing obesity problem.  You are over 4 times my size and are often seen lying around on random neighborhood streets where you rarely belong.  You also offer an incline/decline ratio that tempts many drivers to accelerate upon their approach and get 2 or more wheels off the ground.  These, among other things, are becoming quite a problem, and we’d love to hear back from you concerning your plan to address them.

Sincerely,

Your Cousin, the Speed Bump

 

We Get It, You’re Huge

LETTERS TO THINGS

September 17, 2012 0

Steve proudly brings you another profound letter to an inanimate object:

Dear Mobile Food Truck,

Upon doing a very, very minimal amount of research, we’re not quite sure that your claim of “Best Food In Town” is valid.  While the large red-painted letters on your side do appear to make your claim official, we’re going to need to see a little documentation to firm things up.  Not that we think your various patrons throughout the area mind if you are #3 or #4 in town, but a little accountability never hurt anybody.

Sincerely,

Truth in Mobile Food Advertising Commission

 

Good? Yes. Best? Up for Debate.

LETTERS TO THINGS

September 9, 2012 0

This edition of Letters to Things is brought to you by Steve:

 

Dear Mobile Pet Grooming Station,

Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to you, “Mobile Grooming Station.” I saw you on the road a while back and couldn’t believe my eyes. You were similar in shape to an ice cream truck, but twice as big, and the slogan on the side of your vehicular contraption read: “Keep ‘em cute, Keep ‘em clean.” Wow . . . I need to pause for a brief moment of reflection . . .

Are your services so high in demand that you are needed on a door-to-door basis?

Couldn’t pet owners just come to you or perform some of these services on their own?

Personally, I think the hose out back and some good pruning shears can get the job done, but I know others have more delicate ideas about their canines, felines, and other companions from the animal kingdom. I really like animals too, and grew up with pets most of my childhood, but as my grandpa one said, “A dog is a dog!” Too true on many levels. I’m guessing the person that has the mobile grooming station make a house call is the same person I saw driving last week with the “Cattitude” bumper sticker.

Yours Truly,

Everyone Other than the People that Employ the Mobile Grooming Station

 

A Cleverly Named Competitor

 

 

 

Letter to Workout Partners

May 1, 2012 2

I knew you could do it!

Dear Workout Partners,

Interacting with you during workouts has helped me to endure extreme mental, emotional and physical torture, and even helped prepare me for the infamous, ear-popping Miley Cyrus concert of 2009.  I am forever grateful that you were there to help me.  Today I want to recognize you 8 different types of partners.  In your own way, you have inspired me to gain 50 pounds since I graduated from college.

  1. The Overachiever.
    • OA: “What, we are supposed to do 15 of those?  Shoot, I’ll do 20.”
    • Me: “This is only the first exercise, you may want to pace yourself.”
    • OA: “Do you think Kobe Bryant is ‘pacing himself’ right now?  No!  We cannot give an inch or we will be destroyed!”
    • Me: “But you don’t play in the NBA, and who is going to destroy us?”
    • OA: “Sissy!”
  2. The Underachiever.  You know this one – she is never working very hard.  After 6 weeks, she is actually in worse shape than when he started.
  3. The Yeller.  One of my former workout partners would yell “I’m a pony!” every time we did one of the exercises, but that is not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the person who feels the need to express the pain his body is going through with deep groans and loud yells.  You know this guy, he is the one who paints up for football games.  This person has also been known to bark during special occasions.  
  4. The Beast.  Whatever amount of weight you do, this guys does about 6 times more, and only uses one hand.
    • Me: “I just maxed out my bench press.  112 pounds.”
    • B: “Yeah, me too.  658 pounds with my left arm, which is my weaker arm.”
  5. The Uncoordinated One.  “Left leg out…no, right leg…wait, how do you do this?  I never know how to do a curl the right way!”  See video below for a perfect example.
  6.  The Complainer.  “I am so tired.  I only got 12 hours of sleep last night, and my right pinky toe has a red mark on it.  This workout is the hardest one we do.  My arm hurts.  Why are we doing this one?  It’s stupid.  I can’t do this one.”
  7. The Farter.  This guy thinks it is funny to let loose with the worst gas attack of the decade during the time when you are sucking wind right behind him.  After you regain consciousness, it is alway best to plug him up so that he can’t do it again.
  8. The Natural.  While you are forcing out push up number 12, he’s on 63.  After 3 workouts he looks like an Olympic athlete.  He has been seen sweating only twice.  He is also known as Chuck Norris.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Ev

A Letter to Cassette Players in Cars

November 29, 2011 0

An Open Letter of Compassion to Cassette Players in Cars, written by Ev

Dear Cassette Players in Cars,

You used to be awesome.

First I want to thank you for the many years of service you have given for the sake of car-driving music listeners spread out across these great United States of America.  You’re like a WWII vet except way less significant.  I remember jamming to Air Supply’s “I’m All Out of Love” in my first car, and that wouldn’t have been possible without you.  (I also remember barely avoiding some nasty collisions while trying to fast forward and rewind the cassette to the perfect time for the next song.  That process took at least as long as the song itself.)

Unfortunately, Cassette Players in Cars, you have found yourselves in a very undesirable situation.  Basically, you’re alive and waiting to play, but you are just not needed.  You’re very similar to Rudy.  I see you all the time, but I don’t need or use you at all.  I get in my car, and there you are, hopeful that today might be the day that you will see some action.  But that’s just not going to happen.  I hope I’m not the first one to tell you this, but cassette tapes stink.  This is not a statement about your value – you are amazing.  It’s just that the cassettes themselves are the technological equivalent to windshield wipers.  (Think about it.  Why can’t we get someone to create a more advanced windshield wiper?  They’ve been the same for as long as I can remember.)

Just like Jesus, I have compassion on you.  I promise to at least use a cassette adapter for my iPhone once a month just to keep you loosened up a bit.  Will that help?

Sincerely,

Everett

PS – I’m really upset with Lexus because they continued to put you in cars all the way up until 2010!  That’s cruel and unusual punishment!  You left so many car lots with anticipation for a long and useful life, then you were never used.  And Lexus cars last for a long time!  You’ll be riding around for the next 20 years doing nothing.  That’s horrible.

DEAR ANTS IN MY YARD

November 8, 2011 0

Sincerely, Ev.

 

Dear Ants in My Yard,

I would really like to peacefully coexist, but you leave me no choice.  Listen, I don’t have anything against you as long as you don’t bite me, but you are forcing me to kill many of your kind simply because of where you decide to build your home.  Those blades on my mower will cut right through you and your home in a nanosecond.  Something needs to be done.

I don't want to, but I will cut you in half

What’s even worse is that when I kill you and rip apart your home, you just move to another location in my yard.  Not only do you move, but you end up building a bigger house!  Are you that arrogant and defiant?  Do you think you will be able to withstand my mower’s ferocious power the next time around?

Ants, who can I talk to about this?  I’m trying to save your lives.  Is there an ant realtor who can be held responsible for selling you property in a dangerous area?  Could we announce it on the AEBS (Ant Emergency Broadcast System)?  Is there an ant internet where we can post warnings?

Sincerely,

Everett Bracken, Homeowner

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