FAVORITE KID SINGER
FAVORITE PROM DATE REQUEST
FAVORITE WASTE OF MONEY
At long last, the day you didn’t even know you’d been waiting for has finally arrived! Welcome to borderlinefunny.com. We, the founders of borderlinefunny.com, are a
conglomerate pair of insanely hilarious somewhat funny minds with a wealth of funny information small amount of minimally laughable material to share with the world. We strive to make you laugh at least half of the time you’re here. By setting our sights on this less-than-lofty goal, maybe we’ll surprise ourselves, and you, from time to time and get a few chuckles.
As a way of introduction, and to let you get to know the geniuses behind borderlinefunny.com a little better, we decided to conduct this informative and awe-inspiring interview . . . you’re welcome ahead of time.
What are your names?
Everett “Ev” Bracken and Gertrude “Steve” Efird.
Are those your stage names?
Do they sound like stage names?
Do you call it “borderline” funny because it is humor about illegal immigration?
That’s a stupid question and “borderline” offensive.
Is running borderlinefunny.com your full-time job?
Not yet, but if this whole new-fangled ”internet” thing sticks around, then maybe so.
Who writes better stuff?
No, I mean between the two of you?
If it really made you laugh, then it was mine (Ev).
If you got into a fight, who would win?
Steve – Well, I’m 6’5″ and have the reach advantage, and Ev is slow and not in great shape.
Ev – Hey! I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
Steve – Where did you get that joke, the 1984 Columbus Insurance Commissioners’ Conference?
Do you put your pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us?
Nope. Our wives hold them up about 5 feet off the ground, and we repel into them from the ceiling. It’s pretty invigorating, but really inconvenient.
Why are you doing this site?
What do you mean by “doing?”
You know, what’s your purpose for operating this site?
Those guys are great actors, but not comedians.
Is there a question in there somewhere?
If someone wants to pay you $1 million to write a movie script for them, how can they contact you?
Did you mean to start that sentence with ”if” or “when?” When that time comes, they can go to our contact page.
Thanks for your time.
Ev – Why are we acting like there is an actual person interviewing us?
Steve – It looks more official and makes us seem big time.
Ev – Oh, good point.
Yes, I wrote about this a few years ago, but the memory is still very fresh:
A few weeks ago, while out of town, an insightful burglar thought that it would be a good idea to take the GPS from my unlocked car; the oldest and least expensive car on the block, I’m fairly certain (I’m fairly certain because my car is typically the least expensive car on any block). I guess part of the blame goes to me for leaving the car unlocked, but I still feel pretty comfortable placing most of the blame on the person who opened the door and walked away with my property. Yes, they did get the GPS, but the perpetrator was most successful in just reshuffling all of my trash from the back seat to the front seats. At the very least, they could’ve been considerate enough to throw a few crumpled up fast food bags away before they left. I also had my feelings hurt a little bit that they didn’t deem my scratched-up collection of 90s Rock CDs worth taking. I actually didn’t even know that was in there to begin with, so maybe I should thank them for uncovering it.
The following is 100% a true story . . . not to imply that any of the others on this site are fake, but Steve wanted to disperse any doubters right out of the gate on this one:
Many times for a promotion, professional sports teams will have contests that let fans compete for the chance to win prizes and allow them to have their “15 minutes of fame.” One contest, in particular, happened in New Orleans during the first round of the NBA playoffs last year. During halftime of one of the Hornets’ games, a lucky fan was called out of his seat and given the opportunity to shoot a half-court shot in front of 25 thousand screaming onlookers. If he made it, he would win the grand prize. Amidst all the excitement and jubilation of being selected for the shot, he pulled himself together, gathered his nerves and heaved up the ball from just behind the half court line. The ball left his hands on target, arched high, approached the basket, and . . . nothing but net! He nailed the shot! The arena went crazy and the fan could barely believe what he’d just done. This was truly a once in a lifetime shot. He threw his hands in the air, shouting with excitement. All there was to do now was to await his prize. Surely a half-court shot, made at the venue of a lucrative professional sports franchise would warrant an enviable reward. $10,000? A new car? Free season tickets? His mind raced wildly. All of those would’ve been logical choices, but the good folks at the Hornets franchise instead opted to reward this fan with . . . a year’s supply of Sprite. They also estimated that a year’s supply was approximately 182 cans (about one every other day). Using an estimate of $0.50 per can, the total value comes to a measly $91. Now, I’m not one to scoff at $91 worth of food or beverage, but considering that most people at the arena probably paid 3 times that for their ticket, something doesn’t seem right here. I think the nicest word that comes to mind is “frugal.”
Maybe bad management decisions like this contributed to the Hornets deciding to rename themselves the Pelicans, beginning with the 2013-14 season. On a related note, bring the Hornets name back to Charlotte where it belongs!
There are a few old adages that say “never judge a book by its cover” and “it’s what’s on the inside that counts.” While those two statements are certainly true, Steve has also found that it’s much more fun to make snap judgements about people and base your entire opinion of someone based on the most minute of details. Below are a few examples of this from last week:
1) When I go to Subway to get a sandwich for lunch, I generally serve as judge, jury, and executioner for the person in front of me in line based on their veggie and condiment selection. “I’ll take a foot-long on wheat bread (OK, fairly healthy, I can respect that), with turkey (good call), with extra ham (whoa, easy there fella), un-toasted, (terrible decision), pepper jack cheese (now you’re getting back on track), black olives (ouch, this order went south in a hurry), double onions (gonna be hard to make up for that choice), sweet onion sauce (nice decision, but too late to save it, buddy), and spinach (that’s the nail in the coffin, enjoy your terrible lunch and waste of your hard-earned money. The only person to blame is yourself).
As a side note, if the person in front of me pulls out a list, complete with multiple bullet points, with all of their c0-workers’ orders listed, or is relaying an order while on their phone, I might be forced to let out an audible sigh.
2) If a car cuts me off in traffic, then I typically make an immediate vow to not vote for the person on their bumper sticker or not support the cause represented by the decals on their rear window. It’s either that or flip them the bird, so I’m thinking option #1 is best. Sorry, I used to care about Free-ing Tibet and donating to efforts that Support World Peace, but your atrocious actions behind the wheel have now caused me to rethink and reconfigure my entire personal moral structure. I will now also never run 13.1 or 26.2 miles, both of which I intended to do tomorrow.
I had to have a hard conversation with my doctor recently. We had been seeing each other for quite awhile, but it was time for us to stop. We needed to break up. It wasn’t anything he did, it was just that my insurance had changed, and he was not an approved doctor. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I brainstormed the best ways to approach the situation.
I considered ways to make it sound mutual. “How do you feel like things are going? I sense that you have some thoughts, maybe concerns, about our relationship, and I want to be sensitive to you. If you think we should take a break from one another, I would understand.”
The guilt-inducing approach. “Look, I just don’t feel like you care about me now in the same way you did when we first started seeing each other.”
Compassionate approach. “It’s not you – you’re great – it’s me. I’ve changed…insurance companies.”
I finally settled with the honest approach. Gearing up for a tearful plea to stay, I said, “Doc, I recently changed insurance companies, and I hate to do this, but I’m going to have to find another doctor.” Without looking up from his laptop, he replied, “Ok, that happens all the time. If you’d like a recommendation, the ladies up front can help you with that.”
Well, that went better than I thought. He’s probably just trying to stay strong for me. Thanks, Doc.
The International Olympic Committee has recently decided that wrestling will no longer be an event after the 2016 Games. I (Ev) am not upset. In fact, on the upsetness scale of 1 to 10, with 6 being the highest, I’m a solid .024. But, I don’t understand why wrestling is getting the boot when other “sports” remain. Let’s get rid of dressage, sailing, and speed walking.
More importantly, what will replace wrestling? That’s where my expertise comes in. As a dedicated web surfer, I have discovered four new games that should be added to the Summer Olympics in 2020.
1. Quidditch. It’s 2013 already. Let’s get this done techies.
2. The Baseball Bat Spin Relay. How is this not already an Olympic event?
3. Parkour (aka, City Jumping). Set up an extreme course, and have a timed event. I don’t understand the hesitation, IOC.
4. Downhill Speedrolling. I would pick the host city based solely on who could provide the best course for this event.
Every now and then . . .
. . . my iPhone offers me an update for my Bible app. I wasn’t aware that the Bible was continuing to be updated.
. . . I try to close a Microsoft Word document and a box pops up that says, “Do You Want to Save Your Changes?” The problem is, I’m 99% I didn’t make any changes to begin with . . . now I’m just frightened and confused and don’t know what to do.
. . . sports broadcasters are letting us know a player is out with an injury and they say, “Jones is out today with a hip,” or “Thompson missed the last 2 games with an ankle.” I know it’s the lingo to not actually say hip injury or ankle sprain, but if Jones was forced out with a hip, then I’m pretty sure the rest of the starting five is out too.
. . . I’m fooled by a drink bottle that is shaped in cool way, but costs more money and actually contains less ounces than the standard size. Darn you marketing departments.
I know, I know this whole “Super Bowl” thing seems very anti-climatic after Puppy Bowl IX, complete with hedgehog cheerleaders (can’t make this stuff up) just ended on Animal Planet, but just bear with me (pun intended) as I pass along some of my observations from the 1st Half. It’ll certainly be hard to top that Kitty Halftime Show sponsored by Bissell Vacuum Cleaners, but I’ll give it a shot.
-As I pointed out last year, I’m still befuddled by Roman numerals once you get past XX, so my best guess is that this is Super Bowl 1,321.
-Hold on, wait a minute everybody. The Harbaugh coaches are brothers?! Total mind-blower!
-What!?! Ray Lewis is playing in the game and he’s retiring after this season? Mind-blower #2 for the night and the teams haven’t even taken the field yet.
-Always pumped to see a team come out to some old school Dr. Dre. Kudos to the 49ers. That gives them the early edge in my book.
-Trying to order a pizza on the Papa John’s website, but can’t remember if my password is 123456, 111111, or 121212. Guess I’ll have to create a new account for the 15th time.
-By my count, that was a 2:42 National Anthem by Alicia Keys. Lots of people just lost some $$ on that prop bet.
-All young athletes take note: Contrary to the commercial that just aired, McDonald’s would actually be an absolutely atrocious pre-game meal. Come to think of it, I could probably just take out the phrase “pre-game” and that statement would still be true.
-Jim Nantz just said that Colin Kaepernick has been the “hot buzz” around the NFL the last few weeks. That just seems a little odd for a few reasons I won’t get into.
-You will never see an NFL football player on the sidelines with bad teeth. No joke. That’s a fact.
-My initial reaction is to scoff at the preview for Fast and Furious 6, but it features The Rock and Vin Diesel, so . . . yeah, I’ll still scoff.
-Surprisingly quick 1st quarter. Ravens up 7-3.
-I always love when the on-field microphones pick up some stray player or coach profanity before the producers can switch to another camera. Not sure why, but it really brightens my day.
-Oh yeah, I forgot to tell everybody beforehand, but that was me in the Calvin Klein commercial.
-It didn’t used to matter to me, but as I age, it just seems like if the Super Bowl was played on Saturday, I could enjoy the festivities a lot more. As of now, I’m trying not the think about the stresses of my upcoming work week as I slip into a pizza/breadsticks related coma. Good thing I have the perfect cure: a cereal bowl full of Peanut M&M’s.
-Ravens up 14-3. I’m sure it seemed like a good idea at the time for LaMichael James to fumble, but in retrospect, it proved to be a poor decision for the 49ers.
-Guess he didn’t cc Kaepernick on his turnover memo. Interception.
-Fake field goal attempt! I love and respect the exciting play call, but seeing as how this is the Super Bowl and not a video game, I’ve got to say that was a questionable coaching decision and needless swing in momentum at this point in the game. Believe me, I know. I had an illustrious career as a junior high tight end and wide receiver.
-Hold on . . . Harbaugh is blowing up my cell phone to ask for my expertise for the upcoming drive. Which Harbaugh you ask? . . . both of ‘em.
-Some QB’s write the plays on a wrist band and refer to them throughout the game. Colin Kaepernick went the extra mile and diagrams of the entire offense and defense on his arms. Doesn’t seem to be working out very well tonight, though.
-Ravens up 21-3. I knew that fake field goal would come back to bite them . . . wait.
-21-6. Halftime, my work is done.
Enjoy the 2nd half everybody!