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SIGNS OF GETTING OLDER

July 29, 2012 1

2 signs that Steve is getting older by the minute:

1) A crazy Friday night often involves my wife and I ordering a 3-topping pizza (that’s right you heard me correctly . . . 3 toppings!), and debating over which $1 Redbox movie to get. Or, if we’re feeling really crazy, we’ll rent a Blu-Ray for $1.50. Then, falling asleep a third of the way through the movie because it’s past 9:45 PM. I might be able to store up enough energy to go to some sort of event on Saturday night, but on Friday, it’s just not in the cards.

2) I have conversations with my friends about grass. Not the illegal “grass” you may be thinking of, either. That might at least be cool on some level to somebody out there. I’m talking about real, genuine Tall Fescue or good ol’ fashioned Annual Ryegrass . . . see, I told you I was getting old.

Now That’s What I Call a Conversation Starter

Four Things I Need To Break Up With

July 24, 2012 0

They say that breaking up is hard to do, I know, I know, I know that it’s true.

Look, it’s just not working out. There is literally nothing that I like about you.

I was a terrible break-upper, and trust me, there were hundreds of girls I had to let down. I have an allergic reaction to confrontation, especially when I know it’s going to hurt the other person. But breaking up is a necessary skill that all people must learn (except nuns and priests).

I was thinking about break ups the other day, and I realized that breaking up with people can sometimes be easier than breaking up with things. I have had a long and destructive relationship with some things that just need to be removed from my life, but I can’t seem to cut the cord. Here are four things I need to break up with.

Playing Basketball. I have been in love with basketball since I was in 3rd grade, and actually got pretty good at it. I was never in danger of losing millions of dollars after an all-star career as a pro hoopster (mostly because I didn’t want to be just another 6’2” white guy in the NBA – those guys are a dime a dozen), but I have been able to play pretty competitively for most of my life. But the last 5 years have been horrible. I can only run up and down the court .5 times before I need a sub, and I was recently measured having a 5.3” vertical jump. But this is my last season, just like the last 10 have been.
Web Surfing. The internet has been one of the greatest and worst things to happen in my lifetime. I can’t imagine what life was like before the internet. I’d rather give up air conditioning that the internet. But when I sit down and surf Al Gore’s world wide web aimlessly, I can spend hours reading articles, watching videos and looking at pictures that have absolutely no relevance to my life. For example, here are some real-life articles I read today that I can’t use in any way to make my life, or anyone else’s, any better:
- Will local community allow road to be renamed “Cam Newton Drive”?
- 2nd bear seen in PA mall
- Pinterest (I know!)
- PBS fires Willard
- Rich kids of Instagram
Curtesy Laughing. I hate to say it, but many, if not most, of the attempts at humor I hear on a daily basis are about as funny as watching the hair on my head grow. But for some reason, we Americans – especially in the South – feel the need to provide a curtesy laugh. What’s the point? Are we trying to make the person think that he is funny? That’s disingenuous. I know, “We are just being nice.” I understand that sentiment, but we are making the world a worse place. That guy thinks he is funny, and he’s going to continue to bomb other people with those terrible jokes. I have a suggestion, let’s just look dead at him with a straight face. No emotion. Then just walk away. For the sake of the world of humor, let’s commit to this, and one-by-one we will rid the world of the substandard humor. (If you do this to me, then I will make it my life goal to get you to laugh.)
Super Glue. I know this seems random, but ~~hear~~ ~~read observe~~ acknowledge me out. Super glue is quite amazing, and has many applications, but there is a huge problem with the whole concept. Here’s what happens:
- Break $6 item.
- Get super glue out of the garage to fix it.
- Find that super glue in tube is no longer usable. In fact, it is impossible to remove the cap.
- Go to store and buy another tube for $2.99.
- Return home and fix item.
- 6 months later, break another item worth $3.
- Get super glue out of the garage to fix it.
- Find that super glue in tube is no longer usable. In fact, it is impossible to remove the cap.
- Go to store and buy another tube for $2.99.

On and on it goes until you have eventually spent more on super glue than the actual items were worth.

Are there other things we should consider breaking up with?

SHADES OF HUGENESS

July 22, 2012 0

by Steve

I’m not even sure if “hugeness” is a word or not, but I think it’s appropriate for the ridiculousness (not sure if that’s a word either) of the sizes of sunglasses these days. This is primarily true on the female side, but guys are increasingly guilty of sporting this style of eyewear as well. I may not be certified to critique fine fashion (I enjoy wearing the same t-shirt almost everyday as long as it passes the smell test), but I do know that it doesn’t look too good when you have 2 reflective satellite dishes over your eyes (and not the new, smaller DirecTV satellite dishes, the old military style satellite dishes that take up half of your backyard and provide shade to your above-ground pool). You know the type I’m talking about. Hopefully, this is just a fad, but maybe not. If the sunglasses size increase trend continues, then in a few years, I may just completely wrap my head in tinted cellophane and head out for a summer stroll.

Lookin’ Good, Buddy

ANATOMY OF AN EMAIL SCAM

July 15, 2012 0

by Steve

Below is an email I received about a year ago that I must deem as the worst attempt at an internet scam in the history of internet scams. Please read and then see my response. The subject line of the email was “SAD NEWS . . .”

Am in a hurry writing you this mail, I want to seek your help on something very important and you are the only one I can reach at this moment and i also expect you come to my aid. I am currently stranded.I had a trip to London (UK); regrettably for me, all my money got stolen alongside with my bag where my passport and traveling documents were kept. Ever since then I have been stranded without money. My hotel bill is rising every day. I have restricted access to phone and internet for now, please I need you to lend me about $2350 so I can make preparations to go back home.

I have spoken with the embassy and police here but they are not responding effectively to the matter. I will return the money once i get home. I am so confused right now.

I will be waiting to hear from you.

Johnnie Darden

Wait, you’re the one who’s confused? Johnnie, is it? I’m a little perplexed here myself. I’ve actually never heard of you before and you want me to give you about two and a half thousand dollars? If you actually did know me, then you would also know that I’ve never had two and a half thousand disposable dollars in my life. I do, however, appreciate the fact that you specified which London you were in by designating it as London (UK). Until you clarified, I wasn’t sure if you were talking about the embassy in London, England, or London, Arkansas (US).

You concluded by saying, “I will be waiting to hear from you.” Well, my dear friend Mr. Darden, I regret to inform you that you will be waiting for quite some time.

It’s in the Mail, Johnnie

Not Worth the Effort…

July 10, 2012 2

This post is about one of the many things Ev feels is not worth the effort.

Sweet necklace!

Do you know how long it takes to get ready to spend a day on the beach? It’s outrageous. And to make matters worse, the reward doesn’t even come close to the amount of effort it takes to get prepared. Please allow me to present my case:

Preparing for the Beach:

Put on bathing suit. See that bathing suit no longer fits, so find new bathing suit.
Apply sunscreen. Miss large sections of back.
Wash hands. Then realize you forgot to apply sunscreen to your face, so you do that, then wash hands again.
Find beach towel. Can only locate one that is from 1993 and is as thin as a paper towel.
Pack a bag. Gather snacks, a book, sunglasses, iPod, headphones and more sunscreen. Forget to put your room key in bag.
Lug chairs, bag and cooler downstairs. Remember that you forgot your hat. Lug everything back upstairs to get hat, then realize you don’t have room key. Drop stuff, go to office and get new key, etc.
Finally arrive at beach.

Total Time: 1 hour.

Beach Time:

Squint eyes because sun is so bright. Remember sunglasses are in bag, so decide to wait until you get to chosen location.
Choose location. 15 minutes later, Jim Bob and his buddies plop down 10 feet away, break open their brews, and crank up the Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Remove body cover-up clothing. Worry about what perfect strangers will think of your body.
Begin sweating profusely. Realize it’s only 10 am.
Decide to cool down in the ocean. Stand up and worry about what perfect strangers will think of your body. Get salt water in your eyes and mouth.
Attempt to get sand off of feet for 5 minutes, then realize you’ve only made it worse.
Snack time. Gotta get the salt water taste out of your mouth, so you open up that granola bar. Suddenly, out of nowhere, 168 seagulls begin hovering above your head.
Sweat worse.
Can’t stop thinking about your air-conditioned room and cable TV.
Ready to leave. 45 minutes into beach experience, you are ready to leave. Stand up and worry about what perfect strangers will think of your body.
Pack everything back up, but now with 7 lbs of sand scattered among your belongings.
Take a stop at the shower. Try to get remaining salt and sand off body, but the task is impossible.
Finally arrive back in room.

Total Time: 1.5 hours (only 7 minutes of which were enjoyable).

I realize some people can stay out in the sun much longer, and to those people, you get to experience skin cancer. Congrats for that.

MORE ADVICE FOR THE MARRIED MAN

July 8, 2012 0

This quick life lesson to kick-start your week is brought to you by Steve.

I’ve been married over 4 years now, and during that time, I’ve learned a few valuable lessons; some of which have already been passed along to you here. Since I don’t want to keep all of this knowledge to myself, here’s another useful tidbit:

It apparently requires more than one pair of khaki pants to make it through an entire work week. It seems a little excessive to me to have to do that much laundry, but this is what I’m told. As a young, apparently uneducated man, I was of the belief that the life of a pair of pants could be extended for a few extra days a week by simply spraying it with Febreeze, tossing in a dryer sheet, and putting it on the fluff cycle for about 5 minutes. While I still use this as a fall-back method, it is no longer the #1 option for obtaining clean clothes.

If you’re pinched for time (or just don’t really want to put forth any effort at all), the dryer also serves as a stress-free ironing board. Don’t believe me? Take a wrinkled shirt or pair of pants, throw them in the dryer for 3-4 minutes by themselves, and watch the wrinkles cower away.

I Don’t See a Problem Here

2 BURNING QUESTIONS

July 1, 2012 0

Steve wonders if you’ve ever asked yourself the same questions:

1) Why do infomercials, with their always fantastic products, offer 6-8 weeks shipping on most of their products? Does it really take two months to process an order for a chartreuse Snuggie that someone just made by credit card? C’mon, most people will probably forget they even placed an order by then. At the very least, they’ll certainly have lost interest in the product or want a magenta colored Snuggie with leopard spots by then.

Some Things You Just Need Immediately

2) Does anybody really watch or listen to commercials anymore? With the introduction of DVR’s and the ability to record, pause, and fast forward television shows, why in the world would anyone ever watch a commercial? Even if you’re not watching a recorded show, you can choose from a myriad of other shows on one of 1500 channels during that time instead of watching the advertisements. If you’re simply listening to the radio, and a commercial comes on, then why not just change the channel?

5 Reasons Why I Don’t Like Fancy Restaurants

June 27, 2012 0

These low-class musing brought to you by Ev.

I assume that most of the borderlinefunny.com community would fall into the “Average Joe” category, like myself and Steve. We are middle-class people and we are no strangers to fast food establishments. I also assume, maybe falsely, that most of us aren’t regular costumers at restaurants where bottles of wine often sale for over $100. (I know you look at the wine list and find the most expensive bottle then make a joke like, “I think I’ll get that one” even though you are “just going to be sticking with water for the evening.”) But every so often, we peons get to peek into the world of the rich and famous and dine at a fancy restaurant. Tonight was one of my nights.

At the invitation of my wife’s company, we were able to join one of their clients for a dining experience that you only get to enjoy (or should I say endure) once in a while. Overall, it was pretty amazing, but for fancy-restaurant-amateurs like me, situations like this are less than the perfect evening out. Here are five reasons why:

What to wear. Is it business casual? If so, what does that even mean? Can I wear a pullover shirt with a collar, or does it have to be button up? Can I wear khakis or do I need to don dress pants? One can get stressed before even leaving the house.
Valet parking. Do I have to use valet parking or can I park my own car? If I park my own car, are the valet parkers going to think I’m poor? At what level is your car worthy of valet parking? Does a 2008 Honda Accord even qualify?
Menu. I seriously have no idea what half the stuff on this menu is. (This is a portion of the actual menu from the restaurant that I took while in stealth mode.) What are “yukons” and “foyot” sauce? Arugula? I will never eat something called “shiitake” mushrooms. In fact, I refuse to believe that is an actual thing.
Other people. I often wonder if all the other patrons are regulars in this fancy world, or if they are like me. Can they tell that I don’t belong? Do they know they can get more food for way less money in about 99% of other restaurants? Hey, that dude is wearing jeans! Why can’t I? Oh, his are True Religion jeans and mine are borderline true religion jeans.
Fast food. More often than not, it is necessary to hit up a drive-thru on the way home in order to stop the hunger pangs. This is also a good way to re-enter normal life. In fact, this is the most anticipated moment for me. All I can think about all day is getting something good to eat after I finally get to leave the fancy restaurant.

IF . . . THEN

June 25, 2012 0

This food edition of IF . . . THEN is brought to you by Steve.

IF sanitation grades are so important THEN why don’t they display them at the drive-through menu, instead of the pick-up window? I’ve already paid for my food at that point and I can only look in horror at the 84.5 rating that stands between me and indulgent satisfaction. You got me this time, McDonald’s, but never again . . . well, maybe again . . . probably again . . . OK, you’ll definitely get me again, but just know that I’m on to you.

IF people are trying to fool you by thinking they’re getting a salad to be healthy THEN they shouldn’t cover it with two types of meat, a full basket of croutons, a pint of chipotle ranch dressing, a 16 oz. package of shredded cheese, and 3 handfuls of bacon bits. (Oh waaaaaait, they’re actually imitation bacon bits. I take it all back.) It’s almost like the lettuce is an ancient treasure and can only be located and uncovered after decades of intense research and careful excavation.

Sometimes the Lettuce Likes to Play Hide-and-Seek.

Hilarious Headlines

June 19, 2012 0

Recently I (Ev) found this headline on ajc.com: “Microsoft unveils ‘Surface’ tablet computer to compete with iPad.” That cracks me up. Do the folks at Microsoft not remember the Zune? It got me to thinking that there must be some hilarious headlines out there, so I searched the entire internet, every page of it, to find some great ones to share with you. Here you go: