I stalk look at Facebook photos of some people from high school and college, and I feel the urge to pray for those poor souls.  What has happened to you?  Didn’t you wear those same clothes in high school?  I do commend you for keeping that hairstyle going since the mid 90s.

I certainly sound condescending with this post, but that’s because I am.  If only people could be like me, then things would be so much better.  Of course, everyone would be lazy and try to be funny all the time, but at least we’d have a few less dorky people in the world.

PS – Please don’t ask my kids if I’m cool or dorky.  I couldn’t handle the truth.

Brad used to be the life of the party, but now he’s just an embarrassment to his kids.

After much searching I present to you: the 5 weirdest products on Amazon.

Wolf Urine Lure – Use our 100 percent urine lures to create the illusion predators are present in the area. Great for photographers, gardeners, hunters and wildlife enthusiasts.

Finally!  No more anyone bite marks trying to get my own wolf urine!  Honestly though, I was a little disappointed with the product.  I sprayed it all over my clothing, and instead of repelling animals, I had the neighborhood Alaskan Husky trying to impregnate my leg.

Fun Runny Nose Shower Gel Dispenser – The Nose Shower Gel Dispenser is a wacky, gross and funny (not to mention practical) addition to any bathroom or shower stall.

I’ve been using snot for year to wash with, but now I can trick myself into thinking I’m still using snot, but it will actually be soap!

Magical Unicorn Mask – Are you a secret unicorn? We’ve found that many people, especially our customers, are secretly unicorns in their hearts – honest, forthright and to tell the truth, a little weird. This mask lets you be the unicorn you know you are! Latex with realistic fur mane. Fits most adult heads.

Of all the fictional animals I’m aware of, the unicorn seems the most “magical” to me, so imagine my excitement when I received the mask as a Christmas present.  Whenever I wear it out, people love to get their pictures taken with me, and it causes a lot of people to laugh, point, and stare.  It’s great!  (I didn’t really get this as a Christmas present, but if you’re already thinking about next year, here’s a hint…)

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer - Slice an entire banana with one quick motion. Kids love slicing their own bananas. Safer than a knife. Made from dishwasher safe material.

I never wanted to eat bananas until I found this product.  Bananas are so long, and I don’t like to eat food that is long, so this has been a life-saver.  I could use a knife, but that is dangerous!

(If you have some time to kill, and you want to have a giggle, read some of the comments on this item at the Amazon page.)

Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant – This giant Swiss Army knife from Wenger is designed with an incredible 87 implements that perform 141 functions, making it the only tool you’ll need to get any job done. Whether in your pack or on display, the Giant Knife is sure to be a conversation starter. Packaged in a Black Plastic Box.

Once while ascending Stone Mountain, I was struck with an acute pain in my big toe.  Luckily, I was able to pull out my Giant and investigate.  I cut off my shoe with the 1.65-inch clip point utility blade.  Then, after using the 2.4-inch springless scissors with serrated self-sharpening design to cut off my sock, I discovered that a large 2cm x 2cm blister had formed causing mild redness around the bottom of my toe.  I was able to use the double-cut wood saw to cut my foot off, and the blister was no longer an issue.  Thanks Swiss Army Knife!

Here are a few of the practical implements (most of which I have no clue as to what they are):

• Chain rivet setter
• 10mm Hexagonal key for nuts
• Cap lifter
• Can opener
• Shoe spike wrench
• Divot repair tool
• Cupped cigar cutter with double honed edges
• 12/20-gauge choke tube tool
• Snap shackle
• Mineral crystal magnifier
• Shortix laboratory key
• Micro scraper, straight
• Micro scraper,curved
• Laser pointer with 300-foot range
• Fine fork for watch spring bars
• Reamer
• Fiber optic tool holder
• Awl
• Toothpick
• Key ring

I’ve been told I look like John Salley before, but that’s beside the point of this blog post.

What?  Wait.  Where did that come from?

I mean, do you know many Blacks?

Well yeah, of course.  Don’t you?

No.  I only know a few.  Maybe there aren’t a lot of Blacks in Atlanta.

Are you serious?  There are tons of Blacks in Atlanta.

Maybe not where I live or something.

Dude, this conversation is making me…

I don’t get it anyway.  Why aren’t there many famous Blacks?  I mean, I don’t want to be mean, but why aren’t Blacks famous?

Whoa!

Think about it.  Are there any Blacks in politics?  How about in pro sports?  I can’t think of any.

You can’t be serious.  

Off the top of my head, I can only think of one famous Black.

Jack.

In case you haven’t heard the song, here is the music video.  Warning, you may lose 5 points off your IQ by watching this.

Stupid Americans will be making me rich!

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, it was new to me.

Did you know only about 5000 people in North Korea 
have ever used the internet?

I’m a guy

 

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.


All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.

That guy is so old he shops at Extremely Old Navy.


I like turtles

 

Beautiful, Seinfeld


Yes you, hey, Michael Scott

Beautiful, Seinfeld

Yes you, hey, Michael Scott


Now let’s go until the end

 

Oppa is Gangnam style, Gangnam style


Oppa is Gangnam style, Gangnam style

Oppa is Gangnam style

 

Eh- Sexy Lady, Oppa is Gangnam style


Eh- Sexy Lady oh oh oh oh

 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

One time I hiked

 

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Your momma is so fat, she climbed in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.

I eat Triscuits

 

Beautiful, Seinfeld

Yes you, hey, Michael Scott

Beautiful, Seinfeld

Yes you, hey, Michael Scott


Now let’s go until the end

 

Oppa is Gangnam style, Gangnam style

Oppa is Gangnam style, Gangnam style

Oppa is Gangnam style

 

Eh- Sexy Lady, Oppa is Gangnam style


Eh- Sexy Lady oh oh oh oh

Could you imagine if your extended family dinners were like Facebook?  Going around the room, everyone shares a brief status update…

• It’s national Cheeseburger Day!
• I just finished an incredible workout, and I am so tired!
• I just read in the Bible that Obama is the antichrist.
• He is such a jerk!  I don’t need him anyway.  I am an independent woman!
• The Falcons are number 3 on the ESPN power rankings!
• Missing my dog today while I’m at work.  Here is a picture of her.  Isn’t she adorable!
• Still thinking about carrying 12 bags of groceries on one arm while putting book bag on & carrying a pizza & carton of eggs.
• Romney hates gay people!
• Today sucks.

When I become the patriarch of Christmas gatherings, this is definitely how we will handle sharing times.  I may even institute the Twitter 140 character rule.  Once you reach 140 characters, I will cut you off and move on to the next person.

Niece: “I started attending a new church in our area.  The pastor actually went to high school with my best friend’s dad, and they were in choir to…”

Me: “Next!”

When you live in the ocean, it is impossible to relax. I’ve never even slept before.

Most everyone with a TV and a brain knows that this week is Shark Week, but very few know of the national holiday we celebrate today, August 15th.  Today is National Relaxation Day.  I’m not making this up.  It’s scientific fact.  I have a few thoughts about this recent discovery I’ve made.

I celebrate National Relaxation Day every day of my existence.

1. Why have I missed this holiday 40 times previously?  This holiday is made for me.  Relaxation is one of my special talents.
2. Christmas is now my second favorite holiday.
3. It seems like it’s inappropriate to “celebrate” Relaxation Day.  We should simply acknowledge it’s existence while rolling over on the couch.
4. I propose that we carry bean bags and cucumber slices to work and school in order to better relax.
5. Who spends thousands of dollars and time to get this day nationally recognized?
6. Whoever they are, I love them.
7. What would happen to our nation if everyone was relaxing at the same time?  Pilots? McDonald’s employees?  Firefighters?  Old people in nursing homes?  That last one would be disastrous.
8. What activities are considered “relaxing?”  Can I play golf or do I have to be in the resting position?

Would you rather drive this thing to work everyday? 

Compare that with the options people had only 120 years ago.  Need to get a new pair pants?

Today: Hop in car, drive 7 miles in 12 minutes (in 72 degree temperature even though it’s 94 outside) to Kohl’s.  Purchase pants and return home, stopping by the post office which is 3 miles out of the way.  Total miles covered: 17.  Total time: 46 minutes.

1890: Mosey on out to the barn at daybreak and saddle up old Betsy.  Gallup 4 miles into town in 52 minutes, stopping twice for Betsy to poop.  Spend 27 minutes walking out the soreness in your hind quarters, 12 minutes cleaning up the sweat and grim you accumulated from the trip, 43 minutes purchasing your pants, and 1 hour in the saloon.  Feed and water Betsy, then begin the journey home.  Spend 14 minutes avoiding the town shoot out and 25 minutes running away from bandits.  Stop briefly to throw up because all the beverages you drank at the saloon have been sloshing around in your belly.  Finally arrive just before sunset.  Total miles covered: 6.  Total time: 13 hours.

I assume that most of the borderlinefunny.com community would fall into the “Average Joe” category, like myself and Steve. We are middle-class people and we are no strangers to fast food establishments. I also assume, maybe falsely, that most of us aren’t regular costumers at restaurants where bottles of wine often sale for over $100. (I know you look at the wine list and find the most expensive bottle then make a joke like, “I think I’ll get that one” even though you are “just going to be sticking with water for the evening.”) But every so often, we peons get to peek into the world of the rich and famous and dine at a fancy restaurant. Tonight was one of my nights.

At the invitation of my wife’s company, we were able to join one of their clients for a dining experience that you only get to enjoy (or should I say endure) once in a while. Overall, it was pretty amazing, but for fancy-restaurant-amateurs like me, situations like this are less than the perfect evening out. Here are five reasons why:

1. What to wear. Is it business casual? If so, what does that even mean? Can I wear a pullover shirt with a collar, or does it have to be button up? Can I wear khakis or do I need to don dress pants? One can get stressed before even leaving the house.
2. Valet parking. Do I have to use valet parking or can I park my own car? If I park my own car, are the valet parkers going to think I’m poor? At what level is your car worthy of valet parking? Does a 2008 Honda Accord even qualify?
3. Menu. I seriously have no idea what half the stuff on this menu is. (This is a portion of the actual menu from the restaurant that I took while in stealth mode.) What are “yukons” and “foyot” sauce? Arugula? I will never eat something called “shiitake” mushrooms. In fact, I refuse to believe that is an actual thing.
4. Other people. I often wonder if all the other patrons are regulars in this fancy world, or if they are like me. Can they tell that I don’t belong? Do they know they can get more food for way less money in about 99% of other restaurants? Hey, that dude is wearing jeans! Why can’t I? Oh, his are True Religion jeans and mine are borderline true religion jeans.
5. Fast food. More often than not, it is necessary to hit up a drive-thru on the way home in order to stop the hunger pangs. This is also a good way to re-enter normal life. In fact, this is the most anticipated moment for me. All I can think about all day is getting something good to eat after I finally get to leave the fancy restaurant.

this is the picture that turned up when I googled "absurd babies"

My amazing daughter is turning 18 today.  I refuse to attempt any sort of I’m-too-young-to-have-a-child-that-old joke.  But seriously, she’s adopted.*  Please don’t tell her though – we are waiting until she gets old enough to understand.

As I was planning to make her day 146% better than any previous birthday, I began to reminisce about parenthood, and I realized many of the little hidden bags of unexpected awesomeness (you could think of them as “perks”) that parents get to enjoy when they have children.  Here are a few:

1. Instant excuse for anything.  When a friend asks for your help moving, there is no need for those lame excuses or fake back injuries.  A simple, “I can’t.  I’ve got to watch the kid.”  No questions asked.  It’s amazing.  I was actually sad when my kids got too old to use this excuse.
2. Turn away from those awkward conversations.  Whenever you find yourself stuck in a superficial conversation about the weather, you can use your small child to get out of it.  Try this one: “Little Joey, can you tell Franz how old you are?  Are you two?  No, silly.  Are you three?  Yeah!”  Polite small talk avoided.
3. Nap time is back.  I loved it when it was time for my kid to take a nap.  I would say, “I need to put little Joey down for his nap, excuse me.”  One hour later, little Joey and I were feeling pretty rested.
4. Passing gas with gusto.  One of the tragedies of living in a civilized culture is the fact that it isn’t “appropriate” to pass gas.  How did we ever let that happen?!  Well, when you have a kid, this opportunity opens back up for you.  You can let one go, then blame it on the kid!  It’s perfect.  “Oh little Joey, someone did a ‘tinky, didn’t they?  You silly little boy.”
5. Total dominance.  I could totally dominate my kids in any and all sports.  I was the greatest player in the Bracken family.  Once I determined that they might be able to beat me, I retired to become their coach.  Now I’m the greatest coach in the family.

There are many other perks like this, but these are some of my favorites.

*she’s not really adopted, and for the record, adoption is one of the most amazing things humans have ever done.

Although it does make for funny blog material

Today is the last day of school.  In honor of that, I (Ev) am going to share the 9 best excuses I have received the last few days from students trying to get out of coming to the last day of class.

“My mom just got in town and one of her friends passed away so we’ve been dealing with that.”

Really?  It’s strange that your mom has had 4 friends pass away this semester.

“I have to go to the chiropractor tomorrow.”

I understand.  It’s hard to get an appointment for any other time than 7:30 on the last day of school.

“My brother is graduating so I won’t be able to be there.”

He’s graduating at 7:30 in the morning?

“Do I have to come tomorrow if I know I’m going to pass your class?”

What makes you think you’re going to pass my class?

“I tried to text you earlier, but it didn’t go through.  I can’t come to class tomorrow.”

Since your tried to text me earlier, then you are excused.

“My grandparents are in town, and this is the only time I will be able to see them.”

Ok, take a picture of you with them and send it to me at 7:30 am.”

“My brother’s car broke down, and I have to take him to work.”

Oh, you mean your 20 year-old brother who just returned from college and posted on Facebook that he is looking for a summer job?

“My mom wants me to sleep in tomorrow because I’ve been sick.”

Good point, because you won’t have any time to sleep in after tomorrow.

“If I bring you Chick-Fil-A, can I not come to class?”

Absolutely.